Laughing at myself

LOL…I am such a dork!

 

I’ve been reading some of my past posts and all I can do is laugh at myself.  Did I have it bad for Phil or what? Geez…funny thing emotions can do to you. Well..can’t really blame it all on emotions. Insecurity played a big part too. After all, I still love P. I just feel more secure with him now. I don’t worry that he’s going to disappear on me anymore. I feel like he’s going to be around for the long haul. Like he’s a “real” friend, not just virtual. Makes me feel more secure.

 

That means a lot. After finding such an amazing, influential person like P, it would be horrible to lose them. I don’t think he realizes exactly how important he is to me. He doesn’t think he’s all that different. Don’t mistake that for being humble though…LOL. He’s quite the opposite. Arrogant and cynical, he thinks he’s smarter/better than most people. In a way, he’s right. He’s brilliant and knows so much it makes my mind reel sometimes. He has an amazing memory. Emotionally though, he’s a bit odd. Sometimes, I wonder if he has them…LOL. Nothing ever seems to really matter to him. It’s all a part of what makes him who/what he is…and I wouldn’t change it…but it does make me feel a bit sad for him. And then again, I’m putting my own perceptions on it. I just know I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who I didn’t feel I mattered to. I guess not every woman is the same. I know lots of women whose husbands don’t seem to matter to them…LOL.

 

But I’m more confident in my friendship with P now. Feels good. It’s really amazing how much things have changed since the trip too. I feel like totally different person. After I got home my mind was whirling with everything I experienced. But I’ve had some time to think and put all the experiences together and add them to “me”. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s made me see things more clearly…what’s important and what’s not.

 

 I’m important. Me.

 

 No, I’m not trying to be conceited, just saying that my life, my thoughts, my opinions…all matter. To thine own self be true. I am who I am and that’s important, special. I don’t need to change for anyone else but myself and I don’t need to apologize for being who I am. I need to grab on to “me” and go with it! Be who and what I want because I’m a pretty amazing person.

 

It feels great to be so free. I can’t even begin to describe it. But for someone who spent her life being terrified of confrontations and couldn’t ever see getting past that, I’ve found myself being a part of them lately…LOL. It hasn’t freaked me out either. I’ve spoke my mind, not backed down, and it felt wonderful! I didn’t feel bad or guilty about it. I didn’t get upset and spend the rest of the day dwelling on it.

 

Who the heck am I? LOL

 

I’m not what I was. And I’m not what I will be. Isn’t it exciting?

 

See what my friendship with Phil has brought about?

 

Now do you see why I love him and hope to keep him as a friend forever?

 

Ciao for now

Egypt was AWESOME!

Hello. Remember me? Yeah I haven’t been around for a while. I’ve been reading over my last postings and it would seem it’s been a couple of months since I’ve been here. Geez…was I messed up or what? LOL.

 

Yeah, I still love Phil…LOL. But it’s tempered now. It’s not that “crazy, I can’t think of anything else, drop everything for him” kind of love anymore. It’s more comfortable…a good friendship kind of thing. Ok, a little more than that…LOL.

 

It’s been a week since I got back home. England was amazing. Egypt was amazing. Meeting Phil in real life was absolutely wonderful! He was exactly like I thought he would be…only a little more reserved. It kinda threw me off at first…I wasn’t sure he liked me. I wondered if he was having second thoughts about inviting me. I didn’t take it personal though. It just seemed to be the way he was. It was cool to get to know him better like that.

 

He wasn’t nearly as reserved in bed…LOL. I know, I really shouldn’t go there, but some of the nicest memories I have are of me being in his arms and him holding me tight and rubbing my skin. It was a great feeling.

 

You’d think I’d really be head over heels for him now, wouldn’t you?

 

Doesn’t seem to have had that effect though. I already thought he was an amazing man…and he still is. I guess I see him more as a real person now though…good points and bad. It’s cool. I loved being with Phil in person, but when I got back home and found that things continued on just like they did before, I realized I didn’t NEED to be with him in person. As long as he was around and in my life, be it online or in person, that’s all I need. He’s the greatest friend I’ve ever had. He’s opened my eyes, taught me wonderful things and put up with my flaws and problems. Who could ask for a better friend? And that’s really all I need. Maybe not all I want…LOL…but we got a good thing going. Why mess with it?

 

Anyway, It was  a great trip, full of wonderful sights and sounds and people. So much to take in. I’m still reeling from all the things I saw. England was beautiful. So much different from where I live. The  streets, the driving, the houses…all amazing. I can’t wait to go back…and yes, I’m going  back. Next time I’m staying at least a month. I’ll be making my way around town like a pro before you know it.

 

Egypt was a beautiful place too. The cruise down the Nile started and ended in Luxor, an amazing city. So much beauty and opulence…along with poverty and a run-down look. Cars shared the road with donkey carts. People were everywhere walking. Guys in jeans and Tshirts to women wearing burkas with only their eyes shining out. So much to take in. I want to go back. I’ve been invited to go back. I hope I can afford it. Next time the plan is for 2 weeks! A week cruise down the Nile and a week in a nice Hotel, laying by the pool or just wandering the streets. I think I might be tempted to sell a body part to afford that trip…LOL.

 

Well, enough about Egypt, England and Phil for now. But you may have to put up with some more later.

 

Ciao for now

 

 

 

2 more months!

Only 2 more months till Egypt! Ok, actually slightly less. I’m so excited…and nervous.

 

Things have been going really good with Phil lately. I guess he’s getting excited about the trip too. Sometimes we have the greatest talks. Sometimes they are just ok. Today was one of those great talks…that ended kinda funny.

 

Maybe it’s just me…after all, I’m a little sensitive and self-concious about my weight…but sometimes I worry that Phil will have a problem with it. Today he asked me what my goal was (we were talking about my weight loss) and I said 150 would suit me. He weighs 150. He asked if I wanted to lose a whole Phil. I think it took him by surprise that I wanted (or needed) to lose that much. Not sure what he thinks about that because right after that he said he needed to head to bed. Oh well.

 

I know…I shouldn’t worry about whether he has a problem with my weight or not. After all, we’re just friends. Sometimes he says things that make me wonder if there’s more though. Not so sure if that’s a good thing or not. It makes me feel great, to be sure, but then I was doing so good at keeping a tight rein on my heart. Yes, I love him. I can’t help it. But it’s not good for me to ponder or consider it. I’m going to have to work harder on keeping my emotions under control. I should really try to find other things to do and think about than him. It’s not like I don’t have things to do or think about…LOL….just can’t seem to stay away from him.

 

And I was doing so well.

 

Two more months. I gotta get my heart under control.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Ciao for now.

Dud Date

Well, I had dinner with JH last night. Not really anything like I expected. But then that’s life in a nutshell…right?

 

I’ll start from the beginning.

 

Last week, I went to one of my writing groups meetings. It was great. JH was there too. Hadn’t seen him around in a month or so. He sat next to me. Nothing out of the ordinary in that. Afterwards, we were all leaving and he and I stood outside and talked for a bit. “We should go have dinner sometime” he said. I smiled and said “sure”. We talked some more. Again, he said we should have dinner sometime. Again, I said ok. He asked me when was a good time for me. Then he asked what time. Then he asked where I would like to go.

 

Sounds like a date, right?

 

Well, I was flattered, of course. Gave my ego a real boost. Someone in the “real world” wanted to go out with me, spend time with me. I can’t remember the last time I was asked out. I was looking forward to the event and was curious about what it would be like.

 

I’m curious no more. It was just me and JH sitting across from each other, eating a meal and talking. Pretty normal stuff. Pretty boring stuff. No, JH is not boring, he’s a nice guy and very interesting and articulate. It just wasn’t very exciting. It was definitely not romantic and we each paid our part of the check (I offered, he accepted). I got a hug as we parted to our respective vehicles.

 

Boring, huh?

 

I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong here. I’m sure it was for the best that it didn’t go a romantic route. After all, I’m not really attracted to him. There’s no….spark…connection…whatever. Still, I did wonder if I was going to at least get a kiss out of the deal. Been a long time since I was kissed (ok…since I was kissed good…lol). It was a good experience though. Not one that I think I will repeat, but I did learn something.

 

I’m still too much in love with P to have any interest in anyone else.

 

It’s cool. Being in love with someone you have no hope of being with keeps you out of trouble, right?

 

I need all the help I can get in that area…LOL.

 

Always look on the bright side of life!

 

Ciao for now

A Personal Epiphany

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about myself lately. I realize that most people’s first thought is of themselves and they are self-absorbed, but I’ve been trying to figure myself out…pondering on why I am the way I am…why I do what I do.

 

I am not a religious person, but there is some merit to the words “seek and ye shall find”. It’s generally true that if you go looking for something, good or bad, you’ll find it.

 

I have issues. We all have them. We’re human. I have one in particular that is quite bothersome. I’m not good at getting close to people. I don’t like this about me. It’s a complicated issue too because I’ve been like this all my life. No, I”m not completely anti-social, I have friends. I get along with people, converse well, enjoy people’s company and like making them laugh. I don’t really go out of my way to be social with people though…strangers…people who I don’t really come in contact with daily…(and though it makes me sound terrible) people who don’t seem to have much about them that would interest me.

 

Surprisingly, things in my life lately have brought this issue to a head. I feel like the Universe is telling me, “You want to know what the problem is? Here! This is your problem. Take a good long look at it, because if you don’t fix it, the next half of your life is going to be just like the last half.”

 

To tell you the truth…I think the Universe is downplaying it a little. I have a feeling the next half would just get worse.

 

As I’ve said, I’ve done a lot of thinking lately. I’ve had a few realizations too.

 

I feel too much. This was a surprising epiphany for me. I have to say that I was deluding myself by thinking I didn’t care at all about people…by thinking that they really didn’t matter…I didn’t really need anyone. It’s funny that I thought that about myself because I remember not being like that at all as a child. I was a very sensitive child. I got my feelings hurt easily. That’s probably why I was such a shy child. I felt things too strongly and it was overwhelming. From this realization, it’s not hard to see how a person like that would shun the things that were uncomfortable….people. And it’s not hard to go a step further and imagine that person putting up walls to defend against that “pain”….instead of learning how to deal with it. I became an ostrich, hiding my head in the sand.

 

My marriage only exacerbated the problem. Young, naive and desperately wanting to be loved, I chose the worst possible man for someone like myself, simply because he was the first one to show any serious interest in me. It was a disaster. Angry and loud and miserable, my husband was never my friend. He only found fault with me…so I kept the “real” me hidden. I spent 12 years hiding inside myself. Losing myself. After I finally got my freedom from that hell, my Mother told me on several occasions, “I could see your light getting dimmer and dimmer”.

 

So, you can see how I’ve conditioned myself over the years to “not” feel. It’s not that I don’t feel…It’s just too hard to deal with those feelings.

 

Fast forward to the present now. I have a good friend, Tamra. She’s a coworker. For some reason, she’s attached herself to me almost from the very beginning of her being employed where I work. About 6 months. We have developed a good friendship. A close friendship. I’ve opened up to her about things I haven’t told anyone else. Very private and personal things. A week or so ago, there was some turmoil at work. Tamra was very quiet. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but my workplace is known for it’s gossip and lies. I kept to myself and didn’t rock the boat. I wasn’t sure if she was mad at me for something or not. Herein lies the problem. I didn’t go to her and ask “what’s up?”. I kept to myself and avoided her. It was very uncomfortable for me. I’m sorry to say that I’d even had thoughts of “oh well, if she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, that’s fine. Probably for the best anyway.” I was ready to write her off and go back behind my wall again.

 

Tamra being Tamra, she confronted me about it. She told me that wasn’t right. She told me how she saw me…”you walk around here like you’re in a bubble, like you’re in a world of your own and you don’t need anyone”. She hit the nail on he head. It surprised me how well she “saw” me. It made me think. I’m still thinking.

 

I don’t really know what to do, but understanding yourself better can only be a good thing. I’m still seeking. I’m still finding.

 

I still sometimes wish I didn’t feel any emotions at all. But then I’m sure that has a lot to do with being in love with someone who’s not in love with me…LOL. That has a tendency to overwhelm one’s emotions. And not in a good way. I’m dealing with it though. It’s getting better. Life goes on. Differently….but you live and learn. You take the good with the bad. Unfortunately, it leaves a mark…a conditioning…like burning your finger on a candle flame…and it leaves you never wanting to risk doing that…feeling that….again.

 

Hopefully I won’t feel that way forever. Everyone wants to love…be loved in return…but I can still feel how hot that candle flame is. It still burns. It’s slow to heal. I’m sure I’ll recover. I’ll heal. It doesn’t hurt as bad as it did.

 

But the memory remains.

 

Writing this has not been easy, I’ve had tears running down my cheeks a few times, reading the words I’ve written, putting it “out here” instead of keeping it all inside. It’s been good therapy though, the writing and the tears. I needed this. Hopefully, I’ll be able to make some sense of it all some day and build a better me.

 

Wish me luck. I’ll wish the same thing for you.

 

Ciao for now

Ain’t that just the way it goes?

Yeah, I’m talking about life. My love life this time. Or what passes for a love life.

 

I actually don’t have a love life. I have a confusing mess.

 

I love someone who isn’t in love with me. Yeah, I know, it’s sucks. That’s life though, right? So, I’ve been really working on that problem and trying to distance my heart…put a callous on it…lock it away…something.

 

I can hear you now….”how’s that going for you?”

 

Quite well, actually…smartass. No, I haven’t been “cured”, but it gets easier. I don’t get to talk to P as often anymore so I’ve started picking back up where I left off when he showed up. I find other things to do…other people to talk to. It’s been good for me. He’s still my friend, and I hope he always will be, but I think I’ll be ok. It’s really taken a toll on my heart though. Pardon me for saying this, but I hope to never go through something like that again.

 

That said, I have another problem. This is the flipside of the last one. Rob. He fancies himself in love with me. No, I don’t love him the same way. I love him as a dear, sweet friend who I’ve had for several years now, but I don’t love him the way he thinks he loves me. I feel bad too. Maybe he really is in love with me. That fact only makes me more sympathetic. No, I haven’t told him I’m  not “in love” with him. I can’t find the courage. I don’t want to hurt him. I guess I really didn’t think he was serious about it until recently. We were talking on the phone. He was talking about Canada, the weather there, and I said something about how I could never live someplace like that. He responded with “Then how are we going to be together?” It caught me off guard. I paused, my brain racing. I finally said, “I don’t know”. That was the best I could come up with…LOL. Subject change.

 

Rob is a sweet guy. He’s a nice looking guy. He thinks I’m the sexiest woman to walk the planet. He thinks I’m smart, sweet, funny. These are all wonderfully flattering things. But I don’t feel wonderful when Rob tells me them. It doesn’t make me feel anywhere near what I feel when P says something as simple as “I missed you”.

 

The heart can’t help where it loves. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. Life isn’t fair.

 

And recently, life has decided to throw something else in the mix. Timothy. He’s been emailing me and texting me lately. That’s all well and good. I like being able to keep friendly relations with ex’s. He told me the other day that he missed OK. He even said he’d like to move back here…even if he had to get his own place.

 

His life must really suck there.

 

I know, I’m being cynical. I can’t help it though. Things that have happened since our breakup have made me wonder about Timothy’s feelings for me throughout our whole relationship. On the whole, I found it to be a very good relationship…only with a couple of insurmountable differences. The sex was sure good. I miss that. Especially since I’m not getting any. But again, when I saw those words, “I’d like to move back to OK, even if I have to get my own place”, I paused. My thoughts raced. I don’t even remember responding to that. I know I just suddenly had a gripping feeling of “I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to get back into that trap”. I felt like that would be the end of me…of my dreams…my plans…my future. Timothy and I don’t share the same ideas about our futures. He lacks my desire for excitement and adventure. I don’t want to be tied down to someone like that.

 

Live and learn. That’s what I’m doing….or trying to do. I’m trying to live …and learn from my mistakes. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want to go “back”. I want to go forward. I have lots of “wants”. P says I have so many there isn’t enough time for them all. I don’t care. I won’t ever get everything I want. I know this. It doesn’t matter. I like having “wants”. It makes me seek them. That’s where life is…in the seeking. I’m sure a lot of the wants I get will turn into things I “don’t want”, but that will just teach me one more thing about me. It’s all good.

 

I just gotta work on learning how to stop wanting something I can never have.

 

I believe I’m making progress. I guess we’ll find out in 4 months. That’s when I go on vacation with P.

 

Wish me luck in hardening my heart.

 

Ciao for now

Insane in the brain

I’m having one of those moments. Ok, it’s been longer than a moment. Actually, it feels like it’s been months…or even years.

 

I don’t think I could do a good job of explaining what I”m talking about either…but I’ll try. I have to let it out. Maybe if I spew it forth in a jumble of words I can somehow make sense of it. I have to warn you though, it’s that time of the month, and I find as I get nearer to the dreaded “menopause”, I becoming increasingly more crazy and unstable. Knowing that I’m like that, and the reason behind it, doesn’t seem to help me deal with it though.

 

Anyway….

 

Nothing feels right. I think that’s as close to a description to how I’m feeling as I can find. Nothing feels “right”. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s “me” that doesn’t feel right. The more I think about it, the more likely that seems.

 

Yeah, I have a lot of problems going on in my life right now. So much so that I feel like I’m sinking and there’s nothing to grab on to. But I know there are people who are going through much worse things than I am right now. I’m sure there are people who would trade situations with me in a heartbeat. That only makes me feel worse for being so melancholy.

 

And to make things even worse, this is the only place I can truly pour my heart out. How sad is that?

 

Ok, enough of this shit.

incredibly dumb

That’s what my friend Phil called me. Incredibly dumb.

Why?

Because I didn’t see something the same way he saw it. To be fair, I’m sure I don’t see it the way most people would see it. Still, it hurt my feelings. He didn’t even ask why I felt the way I felt about the subject. Just thought I was being incredibly dumb.

I know, you’re wondering what the subject was, aren’t you?

We were talking about a man who got a face transplant.

Phil told me about watching a news segment on a man who had gotten electrocuted and had his face pretty much “melt”. He had no eyes and no nose. I didn’t see a picture of him…but Phil said he resembled something out of a horror movie. Very sad. Anway, the man received a face transplant and looked much better for it.

So where did the disagreement come in?

Well, I personally didn’t see the necessity of it.

Wait…hear me out. Don’t go calling me incredibly dumb just yet.

First, the man was blind. He couldn’t see how he looked. Yes, he could feel his face and know that things weren’t “normal”…but he couldn’t look in the mirror and be horrified by what he saw. Also, he couldn’t see the reactions of people around him…couldn’t see people staring or gawking…which could make him uncomfortable. Yes, I’m sure he realized that they were…but he wouldn’t see it.

So…why worry about strangers who may or may not be staring at you? Surely you have to agree with me on that point. What does it matter what strangers think?

Nothing.

So…that leaves friends and family. Yes, he was married and had a child. Yes, I’m sure it was difficult for them to adjust. But they love him right? Do they only love him because of how he looks? I don’t think so. If his wife married him simply for his looks then that’s another problem altogether. If she truly loved him, wouldn’t she love him no matter what he looked like? Love him for who he is…not how handsome he is?

I’m sorry, but I really have a problem with society nowadays and it’s obsession with appearance. When did the outside become more important than the inside? And why? Shouldn’t that be one of the last qualities we judge in a person? Shouldn’t a person’s attitude…wisdom…kindness…creativity…generosity…intellect…be more important?

Sometimes I think our eyes are just as much of a hindrance as a help.

And I really don’t care who thinks I’m incredibly stupid for my opinion on the subject.

Ciao for now

What a wonderful evening! Yes, you’re right in assuming it had something to do with Phil…LOL. We skyped this evening. It was really good too. Lots of fun. Over too soon. I could tell he was really tired though. It was nice of him to stay up so late for me despite the fact that he hadn’t had much sleep.

We don’t skype that often. As much as I wish otherwise…I think that’s a good idea. It wouldn’t seem such a special thing if we did it all the time. Might even get bored with each other. That would be tragic. Don’t want to give him the chance the get bored with me until he’s stuck with me 24/7 on the cruise…LOL. I know…what am I worried about…like anyone could get bored of me….please…LOL.

Otherwise, things around here are pretty much the same as usual. Still doing the diet thing. 39 pounds down as of this morning. Not going so fast now. I do feel a lot better though. Been keeping a better eye on the groceries I buy. Need to exercise more. Still going down though…and not up. That’s a good thing. Hopefully, nicer weather will inspire me….that is if we get some nicer weather. This has not been a very good spring. Been a lot of hot/cold swinging…and staying mostly cold. Right now it’s rainy and cold. Next up will probably be HOT. Forget warm. Sigh.

Ok, time to rant about work a little. Sorry, but I have to get it off my chest. You have been warned, so feel free to skip ahead if you like…LOL.

Work sucks. Not actually the work itself….I love decorating cakes and being creative…but the environment…the BOSS. No, she really isn’t a mean boss…but she’s not a good one. That’s what’s so bad…she sucks at being a manager. Sometimes I wonder if she’s got her head up her ass. Take Sunday for instance. Easter. Store was dead that morning but I knew after church let out, it was going to get busy. First thing I did was fill the cases with product…or try to. It was rather difficult because there was very little product in the cooler to fill with! I did the best I could though. I was the only decorator there. It was a skeleton crew. We missed a lot of sales due to lack of product though. Shame. More sales means more hours. I know why we didn’t have much product though. Inventory. My boss was more worried about her upcoming inventory results than having the product she needed. She regularly worries about getting in trouble for something…over on supplies/merchandise, over on hours, bad inventory…rather than worrying about the business end of it. She focuses on the wrong things…and it shows. We’re all the time running out of something and she has to send someone (on the clock, which means lost production time) to another store to get it.

See why I get frustrated? This shit happens all the time, almost a daily basis. I think I care more about having a good bakery than the boss does! I try not to care…trust me…but I do. I can’t help it. I know how I would feel as a customer if I went to the store looking for something and it wasn’t there. Especially if it was in the ad! Things could just be so much better. My job shouldn’t have to be so difficult.

Ok, rant over…LOL. I think I’m starting to get a little tired now. I should be…it’s almost midnight. That’s what happens when you sleep late, take a nap and have loads of coffee. Not to mention interesting, exciting conversation with a hot, intelligent man….tee hee. Takes a while to come down off that high…LOL. I think I’m going to give sleep a shot though. Wish me luck. Oh, and keep your fingers crossed that I don’t dream of being run over by a fleet of steamrollers! It’s a long story…LOL.

Ciao for now

I’M GOING TO EGYPT!

Yeah, pretty awesome, huh? You want to know what makes it even better?

I’M GOING WITH PHIL!

That’s right people (assuming anyone is out there), I’m going on a 7 day cruise down the nile, ending up in Luxor, with my best friend, Phil. I’m so excited!

So, anyway, my trip to York is going to be postponed…just a little. It’s next on the list though. And Phil said he would still go with me on that trip. Isn’t he absolutely amazing? I am not exaggerating one bit when I tell you he is the most awesome person I have ever known. I’ve never met anyone like him. Ok, so I haven’t actually “met” him yet…LOL…but it’s been almost a year since we got acquainted online. We’ve talked and talked and even skyped. I know him well enough to know I’ve never met someone like him before.

Maybe the Universe is trying to make up for all the crap I went through when I was younger…LOL. Nah, I’m sure even back then, there were people much worse off than I. Besides, I know life isn’t fair and we all just have to make the best of the hand we’re dealt. I can’t complain. Sometimes, life isn’t fair in “my favor”. And this is one of those times! I’m so happy.

The trip is planned for Oct. 24th. It’s several months away, but time has a way of going by so fast. It will be here before you know it. I’m going to have to get really serious about my diet. It’s not like I haven’t been serious already, as of this morning I’m down 36.5 pounds, but I would really love to lose another 100 before the trip. Not sure if that’s going to be possible, but I’m going to try. What’s going to help with that is a HEALTH/WEIGHT LOSS contest going on at work. I’m joining a group of coworkers for it and there are cash prizes for weight loss. I’m just lucky that I’ve already passed that really difficult “hump” when you first start a diet. It was horrible too. Makes me realize what alcoholics and drug addicts go through when they try and quit…and I’m sure my problems were just a fraction of theirs. It’s easier now though. Not easy….just easier…LOL.

Ok, time to get off my ass and stop dreaming about Egypt. A beautiful spring day awaits and I need to make the most of it.

Ciao for now