Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

Passport

Yay! I finally got my passport. It’s about time. All in one day…I got my birth certificate, divorce paperwork (needed it for passport) and my paperwork filled out for my passport.  I should be good to go (anywhere in the world I want) in 4 to 6 weeks! Isn’t that exciting? I think so.

Not sure if I mentioned it in here before, but I’m planning a trip to England in November. Yes, my friend Phil is going to be my tour guide. I hope so anyway. It’s a long time between now and then and who knows what could happen. Life is full of surprises. No matter what happens though, I’m taking my trip. With or without Phil. It would be better with him, though. 

And then what? I’ll have a passport and the whole world will be open to me. Money might be a hindrance…LOL…but I could learn to save. Then think of the places I could go. If I could take just one good trip a year, think of all the places I could see in 10 years? Maybe I’ll find somewhere else that I want to live. That would be awesome. Not that the U.S. is bad…it’s pretty darn awesome…but I don’t really feel like I fit in with the people here. Everything seems to revolve around religion. Everywhere I look, everyone I talk to, everything seems to have something to do with religion. Sorry, but I really don’t care for that.

I know, what makes me think somewhere else is going to be different? I don’t know, but I’d sure like to find out. Better to at least try, don’t you think?

Anyway, today has been an exciting day for me. When I actually get my passport in my sweaty little hands, that’s when I’ll REALLY get excited. Party time! Not that I’ll go out and use it right away…LOL. Hell, I live a long way from another country. Canada is a 2 day drive and Mexico, while being a little bit closer, isn’t exactly my cup of tea. Scares me, truth be told. So, I guess I’ll just have to wait till November.

Patience isn’t really one of my virtues…LOL.

Ciao for now

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March 30, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Withdrawals

Yeah, this is yet another post about Phil…LOL.

Phil got a job. I knew it would happen sooner or later. He’s working for a company that makes train wheels. Good job. He started Monday. And I miss him!

First, you have to realize, when we got back in touch mid-December, his previous job’s contract had ended and it seemed like every time I got online, he was here. I spent nearly every evening sitting here talking to him, several hours at a time. Once we even chatted for 11 hours! Now nothing. Ok, not actually nothing. I got to chat to him for a little bit Monday evening and I’ve got a couple (short) emails off him. I’m having some trouble getting used to this though.

I sound selfish and greedy, don’t I? It’s ok, you can say it…LOL. I look at the above paragraph and I’m thinking it too. I want to say “Geez, what a whiney, needy, selfish bitch you are. Give the man some space. He’s trying to get some sort of routine going.”

Yesterday I was feeling abandoned. Today is a bit better for me. Today I am off work and I can see lots of possibilities for me without Phil being in here waiting for me. Things I put aside because there wasn’t time to do them and talk to Phil too. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Today I can see how it wasn’t good for me to be so obsessed with Phil. Today I can see how it’s a good thing he’s gone back to work and how it’s freed me to have “my own life” again. Of course, I could see those things before, I just refused to do anything about it…LOL. I told myself  “gotta enjoy every moment with him while I can, because this won’t last forever”. It was true. The moment has passed. I have some awesome memories from it too. And despite what I said about it not being good to be so obsessed, I wouldn’t change a thing. Which begs the question, “Would I do that again, should the same situation arise?”

Probably so.

LOL…I know what you’re thinking. I haven’t learned a thing. Oh contraire, my good friend. I just know myself. I know that if I still find Phil as interesting and captivating as I do now, I won’t be able to help myself. Things change though. Interest waxes and wanes. I’ve had several online friends that have come and gone. A few long term ones remain. None of them compare to Phil though. So I have hopes that he’ll be around a very long time.

I really miss him.

Today is ok though. The pains of withdrawal are tolerable today.

I’ll worry about tomorrow….tomorrow.

Ciao for now

March 24, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | , , | Leave a comment

*&$^#)%&!

That’s because I  couldn’t find an appropriate word for the title of this post.

As you may have guessed, this probably isn’t going to be a “nice” post. Sorry people, even an optimist like me goes on a rampage once in a while.

What is amiss, you ask?

Well, things aren’t exactly going my way at the moment. Plus, I may be having some hormonal imbalance thing going on. Not good. Normally, my scales of  “happy” and “bitchy” have a lot of slack in them…meaning, it takes a lot of crap heaped up on the “bitchy” side to tip it past the point of no return. My hormones  seem to change the specs on my scales though and there’s not much tolerance for crap before I go off the deep end.

No, I don’t scream and yell and throw a fit, but the rage inside me is rather frightening. It passes, I know it will. I tell myself it will. I just have to think of something else and get through the “moment”. Not an easy thing to do sometimes though. Especially at work.

I know everyone thinks they are a good worker and that they do more than their fair share and that they are taken advantage of, so I guess in that respect, I’m no different than anyone else. The difference is…I’m being truthful…LOL. No, I’m not the best cake decorator in the world. No, I”m sure I’m not the fastest. But I’m better and faster than the other decorators I work with, than probably most of the decorators employed by the company I work for. I’m not bragging, I’m just confident. The ladies I work with will tell you the same thing.

My problem is this: my boss takes advantage of me and takes me for granted. I know, that’s a boss for you. Pisses me off though. Especially lately. Point in case: I was off  Wednesday and Thursday. There was a wedding cake order to be done on Thursday. Tamra can’t do wedding cakes. Christina can (although she will make you wonder if she’s going to have a nervous breakdown in the process) but she was working at another store. I said I would come in(an 18 mile trip, one way) and do the cake. I did. Took me less than two hours from start to finish.  Overtime. Or so I thought. Donna came to me a couple of days ago and asked me to try and take off the time. I said “Really? You’re gonna make me take that off?” She backed down and said, “No, since you made the trip in, you can keep it.” The next day, Dale (store manager) came and told Donna that I was going to have overtime and Donna promptly called over to me “Lois, you’ve got overtime to take off”. WHAT THE FUCK? What happened to “Since you made the trip in, you can keep it”? I would have thought she would have at least told Dale the situation and had my back, even if Dale wouldn’t have ok’d it.

Am I wrong for being pissed? I think not. Needless to say, I won’t be helping them out again. They can go fuck themselves for all I care.

So, that’s all it took for my thoughts to start spiralling downward and every memory of every bad situation I’ve ever had at work came flooding back…the days I requested and didn’t get….the year I’ve worked without a sunday off…all the times I’ve got blamed for shit going wrong that someone else did…all the responsibilities that keep getting shifted onto my shoulders and then the griping when my other duties don’t get done….etc….etc.

It was NOT good. It doesn’t help that I’m having issues at home as well…wages garnished, possible forclosure on my house, the threat of having to move in with my Mom looming in my future. Not that those would be totally terrible things. Ok, living with my Mom would be…LOL…but I’d survive.

The point is, it probably wouldn’t take too much for me to give my notice at work and say “fuck it”. Throw in the towel. I’m already prepared to lose my home. Not the worst thing that could happen. Plenty of other people have had it happen and lived through it. I would like to be able to sell it…but if it gets taken, it won’t be the end of the world. To tell the truth, I have a feeling that it will be like a weight lifted off me. I’ll be free of it. Free of the responsibility of it all. And while I may have to live with my Mom for a while, I’ll eventually get my own apartment and things will be back to normal.

There’s really only one thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel. Phil. I have a trip to England planned in November, and if I were to quit and start a new job, they might not let me have the time off. And I NEED that time off. Come hell or high water, I’m taking my trip. If I have to sell my soul (not that it would be worth much…LOL) I’d do it. I’ve wanted to see England most of my life and now that I have the chance to do it…and with a wonderful sweet man as my guide…nothing is going to stop that. Not even me…LOL.

So, I guess I’ll bite my tongue and keep my temper under control and try to think pleasant thoughts. At least until November.

Wish me luck.

Ciao for now

March 23, 2011 Posted by | Life, Work | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I like SKYPE

What a wonderful evening last night!

Yeah, you guessed it, it involves Phil…LOL.  Last night, we skyped for a few hours. His friend Mike was over and I got to see both of them drunk…LOL. Mike was absolutely plastered and couldn’t stop talking…saying “fuck” every other word. Cracked me up. He seems like a nice guy…and totally loves Phil. It was great to see such a wonderful friendship in action.

I got to see Phil’s youngest daughter, Emily and her best friend, Chloe. Such cute girls. Wish I could have seen Alice too, but she wasn’t there. Maybe another time.

Life is absolutely amazing some times. A week ago, I was devastated (my own fault) and now I’m happy as a lark. Go figure. Life is full of surprises. Thank goodness.

Ciao for now.

March 13, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | Leave a comment

Tattoo

I want a new tattoo.

I have a couple already, but I want another one. Actually, I’d like to have lots more…but one at a time. I’m having trouble finding a design that “speaks” to me though. I’ve been searching through designs today and while severl ideas look interesting, I haven’t found one that incorporates all the stuff I want into one design. I may have to just go in a shop and tell them what I’m looking for and see what they can come up with.

Just in case someone who is a tattoo artist reads this….I’ll tell you a little about what I’m looking for: I would like the text TITUS LUXOR in a cool font. I’ve thought about putting it on a banner. I saw some online..but most of them were wrapped around a heart. I don’t want that. I would like to include music notes…maybe even the lines. It has to include something about music though. TITUS LUXOR is an alter ego. A musician. My best friend. So it would be cool to include something about friendship too. I don’t know what that would be though. I happen to be fascinated with eyes….so I thought about two eyes, one top left-ish (grey) and the other bottom right-ish (blue), looking at each other with the musical banner between them with the ends possibly wrapped around them somehow, with TITUS LUXOR written on the music banner.

You know, I really like that idea. I think I’ll take that idea to the tattoo parlor and see what they can come up with.

Now…where to put it? LOL.

Ciao for now.

March 10, 2011 Posted by | Life | | Leave a comment

Rollercoaster

Whew! The last few days have been such an emotional rollercoaster. Luckily, I’ve received some information this evening that has calmed me down a bit.

As you might have guessed, if you’ve read any of my recent posts, it involves Phil. To make a long story short, I was compelled to tell him something I didn’t want to tell him and he didn’t like hearing. Things took a turn for the worse. I thought I was going to lose my best friend. Hurt like hell.

Turns out, I still have my friend. Things will no longer be taking the romantic turn they were, but we’ll still talk. I’m very cool with that. That’s all I ever expected to begin with. I never expected anything more, but it was a nice feeling while it lasted. I don’t need the romance though. I can live without it. But one needs good friends. At least one. And if you can find that one that you can “connect” with, learn from, be inspired by…then you really don’t want to lose that. I know I didn’t.

And now it looks like I won’t have to. I am so thankful. Things might not be like they were before…but who’s to say they won’t be even better without all the romantic/sexual/feeling stuff getting in the way? Might make both of us freer to be our “true” selves, without trying to be on our best behaviour or put on our best face. I’m kind of excited to see what happens.

Sure beats the prospects I was facing earlier.

I’m happy.

Ciao for now.

March 5, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | , | Leave a comment

WORDS (a poem)



Words

 

 

 

The English language has many words. Thousands of them. We have words that we’ve stolen from other languages. Words that we’ve made up as we needed them. Seems like there is a word for everything.

 

Except what I feel.

 

With all the words at my disposal, and the infinite ways to combine them, I have not been able to find the ones that can describe what I feel for HIM.

 

Yes, you could say I love HIM. But “love” is so overused. We use it to describe our feelings for people of course, but then we also use it while talking about music, movies, the weather, food. Seems to describe a great many things. It’s a bit watered down. And what I feel for HIM isn’t like anything I feel for anything else. Or anyone else.

 

Maybe a combination of words then? A phrase or paragraph that when properly put together might convey the right meaning, the proper depth of feeling. Again, it falls short. Trying to emphasize the kind of “love” I feel ends up sounding like a cheesy commercial that uses phrases like “new and improved” or “never before seen”. It merely says it’s different, better, but doesn’t tell how.

 

The best I can do is try to describe the symptoms of my glorious disease. And in even that I am sure to fall short of my goal. The sum of the parts will never equal the infinity of the whole. But try I must, because like a boiling pot, I cannot contain these feelings inside me. I must let them out, like steam, before I burst.

 

And it is like a disease. An infection. Something for which there is no cure. Not that I want to be cured. Emotional highs of intense joy and lows of heart-rending doubts assail me. Like an addict, I crave the highs, caring not that I could fall from them. My heart races at every thought of HIM. And my brain has been overrun by those thoughts, like little viruses invading my neurons. My mind flits back and forth from reality to thought, and I long to give in and leave reality behind, losing myself in thoughts and dreams and fantasies of HIM.

 

I cannot. I must not.

 

To give in to the disease is folly. To be cured, unimaginable pain. I want neither so I must learn to live with this disease, until one or the other overtakes me.

 

I pray that it isn’t the cure.

February 24, 2011 Posted by | Life, Writing | , , | 1 Comment

Best Friend

Isn’t that the nicest thing someone can say to you?

You’re my best friend.

What’s really neat is when someone you consider your best friend says it to you. When you know it’s mutual. I had that experience yesterday. Took me quite by surprise.

Yes, I’m afraid this is another post about Phil. My best friend Phil.

If you’ve seen the earlier posts, you know how crazy I am about him and how wonderful he is. He’s the most amazing man I have ever known. And trust me, I”m not easily impressed. He’s smart, funny and easy to talk to. We have so much in common and yet still so much different that we never run out of things to talk about. The last 2 months have been been totally dominated by him. I can’t get enough. I spend almost every spare moment talking to him and when I’m not talking to him, I’m thinking about him…replaying conversations in my mind…smiling spontaneously.

Yeah, I”m in love.

I know, you’re probably thinking, “How “in love” can you be with someone you’ve never met?” Trust me, you can be. I loved Timothy before I ever met him. And while we are not together anymore, we had a really wonderful relationship for a couple of years. It’s because I knew “who” he was. I know “who” Phil is too. After all the hours I’ve spent talking to him, I feel I know “who he is” pretty well. Good and bad. No, I don’t think he’s perfect. Maybe perfect for me…LOL…but not perfect. He has his faults. Nothing so awful that can’t be dealt with though. We’ve never had an argument….yet. We disagree about things, sure, but we don’t have a problem with the fact that we see some things differently.

I guess one of the biggest differences we have is that I’m a dreamer and he’s Mr. Logic. He says he doesn’t mind that though. Maybe we’ll balance each other out. He can pull me back down to earth when I get to “out there” and I can help him to “feel” more and not get too extreme with his logic. He’s not one for talking about his feelings. I am. I’m always telling him how wonderful he is. We even had an awkward discussion about “love” the other day. Told him I loved him, and he said it back, then said maybe we should say we have “deep feelings” for each other. I said ok.

It really doesn’t matter to me what you want to call it. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if he’d said he loved me or not. I feel what I feel and I’m quite aware that you can’t make someone else feel something they don’t. I know he cares about me. He does so much for me and spends so much time talking to me, how could I think otherwise? It doesn’t need to be defined or quantified. I’m happy. That’s all that matters.

I can understand why Phil is reluctant to get “too serious”. He’s been there done that. His previous girlfriend, Sam, was someone he went that direction with and it didn’t work out. I’m sure he’s afraid of that happening again. The fact that he’s being so cautious is actually kind of flattering. I believe it means that my friendship is very precious to him and he doesn’t want to mess that up. I don’t either. It isn’t often you meet someone you fit with so well. It’s definitely something special.

I do get the occasional comment that rocks my world though. Like last night. “You’re my best friend”. I was overwhelmed. I gushed. I almost cried. I told him so. Told him he was my best friend too.

He changed the subject…LOL.

I laughed and went with it.  That was enough for me. I can live off that one revelation for a long time. He is what he is and I’m learning to understand him better all the time. That’s what love is…me taking the time to understand who he is and accepting the whole package instead of trying to get him to change pieces of himself to accomodate me. I love who he is and he wouldn’t be the same person if that happened.

Yeah, I’m in way over my heart…LOL. I love it. Feels wonderful.

No idea where it will all end. I don’t care. It’s worth the risk.

Ciao for now.

February 23, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | , , | Leave a comment

Pen Pal

Phil

 

This is Phil. Isn’t he wonderful? This is one of my favorite pictures of him. He doesn’t like it though…says he looks “scruffy”. I like the scruffy look…LOL.

He’s been unemployed since the first of this year (no he’s not a bum) because the contract on his old job ran out. He’s been searching for a new one…but in the meantime…we’ve been talking like crazy. I think the record is 11 hours straight. I had a few friends ask me “what do you talk about for 11 hours?” I just said “stuff” LOL. I really couldn’t say. It just flows. We laugh and joke around…talk about life….and he teaches me things. He’s brilliant.

I think his teaching me things is what I like about him the most. He shares music with me…movies…books. He tells me about stuff that I would never have even looked for if I hadn’t met him. I love how he always explains things…talks about things.

Yeah, I’m enamoured.

I’m planning on making a trip to England this fall. No, not just to see Phil. But that is definitely a plus. I’ve always wanted to see England. It’s been a dream. Phil has just taken that dream and made it more real for me. He’s going to show me York. That’s what I want to see. It’s a very old place, full of history. He’s been there before so he’ll be a great guide. I’m so excited. I’m hoping we have time to just “hang out” as well.

I finally got to talk to him on Skype the other day. It was wonderful. He played his guitar for me and he sang. I’m sure I looked like a crazy woman, sitting there in Panera Bread and talking animatedly to my computer…LOL. I don’t care. While talking to Phil, the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

Ok, I’ve talked about Phil enough for one day…LOL. I’m sure no one finds this subject as interesting as I do…LOL.

Ciao for now

February 16, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Winter sucks balls!

I am sick and tired of snow! It’s a pain in the ass.

I finally got to work today. It wasn’t easy. Slow going. I made it though. The worst part was just getting down my driveway. I at least did that yesterday. Parked my car at the end of the road. So, I had to walk 1/3 of a mile this morning to get to my car. Had to do a little shovelling too and then finally made it on my way. It was much easier coming home. Things had finally started to thaw.

Guess what?

We’re supposed to get more snow tomorrow. And I’ve heard we have another big snowstorm coming our way soon. Sucks balls.

I guess there isn’t anything to do except live through it. I shall endeavor to do my best. Wish me luck.

Spring…please hurry.

Ciao for now.

February 5, 2011 Posted by | Life | , | Leave a comment