Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

WORDS (a poem)



Words

 

 

 

The English language has many words. Thousands of them. We have words that we’ve stolen from other languages. Words that we’ve made up as we needed them. Seems like there is a word for everything.

 

Except what I feel.

 

With all the words at my disposal, and the infinite ways to combine them, I have not been able to find the ones that can describe what I feel for HIM.

 

Yes, you could say I love HIM. But “love” is so overused. We use it to describe our feelings for people of course, but then we also use it while talking about music, movies, the weather, food. Seems to describe a great many things. It’s a bit watered down. And what I feel for HIM isn’t like anything I feel for anything else. Or anyone else.

 

Maybe a combination of words then? A phrase or paragraph that when properly put together might convey the right meaning, the proper depth of feeling. Again, it falls short. Trying to emphasize the kind of “love” I feel ends up sounding like a cheesy commercial that uses phrases like “new and improved” or “never before seen”. It merely says it’s different, better, but doesn’t tell how.

 

The best I can do is try to describe the symptoms of my glorious disease. And in even that I am sure to fall short of my goal. The sum of the parts will never equal the infinity of the whole. But try I must, because like a boiling pot, I cannot contain these feelings inside me. I must let them out, like steam, before I burst.

 

And it is like a disease. An infection. Something for which there is no cure. Not that I want to be cured. Emotional highs of intense joy and lows of heart-rending doubts assail me. Like an addict, I crave the highs, caring not that I could fall from them. My heart races at every thought of HIM. And my brain has been overrun by those thoughts, like little viruses invading my neurons. My mind flits back and forth from reality to thought, and I long to give in and leave reality behind, losing myself in thoughts and dreams and fantasies of HIM.

 

I cannot. I must not.

 

To give in to the disease is folly. To be cured, unimaginable pain. I want neither so I must learn to live with this disease, until one or the other overtakes me.

 

I pray that it isn’t the cure.

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February 24, 2011 Posted by | Life, Writing | , , | 1 Comment

Best Friend

Isn’t that the nicest thing someone can say to you?

You’re my best friend.

What’s really neat is when someone you consider your best friend says it to you. When you know it’s mutual. I had that experience yesterday. Took me quite by surprise.

Yes, I’m afraid this is another post about Phil. My best friend Phil.

If you’ve seen the earlier posts, you know how crazy I am about him and how wonderful he is. He’s the most amazing man I have ever known. And trust me, I”m not easily impressed. He’s smart, funny and easy to talk to. We have so much in common and yet still so much different that we never run out of things to talk about. The last 2 months have been been totally dominated by him. I can’t get enough. I spend almost every spare moment talking to him and when I’m not talking to him, I’m thinking about him…replaying conversations in my mind…smiling spontaneously.

Yeah, I”m in love.

I know, you’re probably thinking, “How “in love” can you be with someone you’ve never met?” Trust me, you can be. I loved Timothy before I ever met him. And while we are not together anymore, we had a really wonderful relationship for a couple of years. It’s because I knew “who” he was. I know “who” Phil is too. After all the hours I’ve spent talking to him, I feel I know “who he is” pretty well. Good and bad. No, I don’t think he’s perfect. Maybe perfect for me…LOL…but not perfect. He has his faults. Nothing so awful that can’t be dealt with though. We’ve never had an argument….yet. We disagree about things, sure, but we don’t have a problem with the fact that we see some things differently.

I guess one of the biggest differences we have is that I’m a dreamer and he’s Mr. Logic. He says he doesn’t mind that though. Maybe we’ll balance each other out. He can pull me back down to earth when I get to “out there” and I can help him to “feel” more and not get too extreme with his logic. He’s not one for talking about his feelings. I am. I’m always telling him how wonderful he is. We even had an awkward discussion about “love” the other day. Told him I loved him, and he said it back, then said maybe we should say we have “deep feelings” for each other. I said ok.

It really doesn’t matter to me what you want to call it. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if he’d said he loved me or not. I feel what I feel and I’m quite aware that you can’t make someone else feel something they don’t. I know he cares about me. He does so much for me and spends so much time talking to me, how could I think otherwise? It doesn’t need to be defined or quantified. I’m happy. That’s all that matters.

I can understand why Phil is reluctant to get “too serious”. He’s been there done that. His previous girlfriend, Sam, was someone he went that direction with and it didn’t work out. I’m sure he’s afraid of that happening again. The fact that he’s being so cautious is actually kind of flattering. I believe it means that my friendship is very precious to him and he doesn’t want to mess that up. I don’t either. It isn’t often you meet someone you fit with so well. It’s definitely something special.

I do get the occasional comment that rocks my world though. Like last night. “You’re my best friend”. I was overwhelmed. I gushed. I almost cried. I told him so. Told him he was my best friend too.

He changed the subject…LOL.

I laughed and went with it.  That was enough for me. I can live off that one revelation for a long time. He is what he is and I’m learning to understand him better all the time. That’s what love is…me taking the time to understand who he is and accepting the whole package instead of trying to get him to change pieces of himself to accomodate me. I love who he is and he wouldn’t be the same person if that happened.

Yeah, I’m in way over my heart…LOL. I love it. Feels wonderful.

No idea where it will all end. I don’t care. It’s worth the risk.

Ciao for now.

February 23, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | , , | Leave a comment

Pen Pal

Phil

 

This is Phil. Isn’t he wonderful? This is one of my favorite pictures of him. He doesn’t like it though…says he looks “scruffy”. I like the scruffy look…LOL.

He’s been unemployed since the first of this year (no he’s not a bum) because the contract on his old job ran out. He’s been searching for a new one…but in the meantime…we’ve been talking like crazy. I think the record is 11 hours straight. I had a few friends ask me “what do you talk about for 11 hours?” I just said “stuff” LOL. I really couldn’t say. It just flows. We laugh and joke around…talk about life….and he teaches me things. He’s brilliant.

I think his teaching me things is what I like about him the most. He shares music with me…movies…books. He tells me about stuff that I would never have even looked for if I hadn’t met him. I love how he always explains things…talks about things.

Yeah, I’m enamoured.

I’m planning on making a trip to England this fall. No, not just to see Phil. But that is definitely a plus. I’ve always wanted to see England. It’s been a dream. Phil has just taken that dream and made it more real for me. He’s going to show me York. That’s what I want to see. It’s a very old place, full of history. He’s been there before so he’ll be a great guide. I’m so excited. I’m hoping we have time to just “hang out” as well.

I finally got to talk to him on Skype the other day. It was wonderful. He played his guitar for me and he sang. I’m sure I looked like a crazy woman, sitting there in Panera Bread and talking animatedly to my computer…LOL. I don’t care. While talking to Phil, the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

Ok, I’ve talked about Phil enough for one day…LOL. I’m sure no one finds this subject as interesting as I do…LOL.

Ciao for now

February 16, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Winter sucks balls!

I am sick and tired of snow! It’s a pain in the ass.

I finally got to work today. It wasn’t easy. Slow going. I made it though. The worst part was just getting down my driveway. I at least did that yesterday. Parked my car at the end of the road. So, I had to walk 1/3 of a mile this morning to get to my car. Had to do a little shovelling too and then finally made it on my way. It was much easier coming home. Things had finally started to thaw.

Guess what?

We’re supposed to get more snow tomorrow. And I’ve heard we have another big snowstorm coming our way soon. Sucks balls.

I guess there isn’t anything to do except live through it. I shall endeavor to do my best. Wish me luck.

Spring…please hurry.

Ciao for now.

February 5, 2011 Posted by | Life | , | Leave a comment