Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

Laughing at myself

LOL…I am such a dork!

 

I’ve been reading some of my past posts and all I can do is laugh at myself.  Did I have it bad for Phil or what? Geez…funny thing emotions can do to you. Well..can’t really blame it all on emotions. Insecurity played a big part too. After all, I still love P. I just feel more secure with him now. I don’t worry that he’s going to disappear on me anymore. I feel like he’s going to be around for the long haul. Like he’s a “real” friend, not just virtual. Makes me feel more secure.

 

That means a lot. After finding such an amazing, influential person like P, it would be horrible to lose them. I don’t think he realizes exactly how important he is to me. He doesn’t think he’s all that different. Don’t mistake that for being humble though…LOL. He’s quite the opposite. Arrogant and cynical, he thinks he’s smarter/better than most people. In a way, he’s right. He’s brilliant and knows so much it makes my mind reel sometimes. He has an amazing memory. Emotionally though, he’s a bit odd. Sometimes, I wonder if he has them…LOL. Nothing ever seems to really matter to him. It’s all a part of what makes him who/what he is…and I wouldn’t change it…but it does make me feel a bit sad for him. And then again, I’m putting my own perceptions on it. I just know I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who I didn’t feel I mattered to. I guess not every woman is the same. I know lots of women whose husbands don’t seem to matter to them…LOL.

 

But I’m more confident in my friendship with P now. Feels good. It’s really amazing how much things have changed since the trip too. I feel like totally different person. After I got home my mind was whirling with everything I experienced. But I’ve had some time to think and put all the experiences together and add them to “me”. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s made me see things more clearly…what’s important and what’s not.

 

 I’m important. Me.

 

 No, I’m not trying to be conceited, just saying that my life, my thoughts, my opinions…all matter. To thine own self be true. I am who I am and that’s important, special. I don’t need to change for anyone else but myself and I don’t need to apologize for being who I am. I need to grab on to “me” and go with it! Be who and what I want because I’m a pretty amazing person.

 

It feels great to be so free. I can’t even begin to describe it. But for someone who spent her life being terrified of confrontations and couldn’t ever see getting past that, I’ve found myself being a part of them lately…LOL. It hasn’t freaked me out either. I’ve spoke my mind, not backed down, and it felt wonderful! I didn’t feel bad or guilty about it. I didn’t get upset and spend the rest of the day dwelling on it.

 

Who the heck am I? LOL

 

I’m not what I was. And I’m not what I will be. Isn’t it exciting?

 

See what my friendship with Phil has brought about?

 

Now do you see why I love him and hope to keep him as a friend forever?

 

Ciao for now

November 15, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | Leave a comment

Egypt was AWESOME!

Hello. Remember me? Yeah I haven’t been around for a while. I’ve been reading over my last postings and it would seem it’s been a couple of months since I’ve been here. Geez…was I messed up or what? LOL.

 

Yeah, I still love Phil…LOL. But it’s tempered now. It’s not that “crazy, I can’t think of anything else, drop everything for him” kind of love anymore. It’s more comfortable…a good friendship kind of thing. Ok, a little more than that…LOL.

 

It’s been a week since I got back home. England was amazing. Egypt was amazing. Meeting Phil in real life was absolutely wonderful! He was exactly like I thought he would be…only a little more reserved. It kinda threw me off at first…I wasn’t sure he liked me. I wondered if he was having second thoughts about inviting me. I didn’t take it personal though. It just seemed to be the way he was. It was cool to get to know him better like that.

 

He wasn’t nearly as reserved in bed…LOL. I know, I really shouldn’t go there, but some of the nicest memories I have are of me being in his arms and him holding me tight and rubbing my skin. It was a great feeling.

 

You’d think I’d really be head over heels for him now, wouldn’t you?

 

Doesn’t seem to have had that effect though. I already thought he was an amazing man…and he still is. I guess I see him more as a real person now though…good points and bad. It’s cool. I loved being with Phil in person, but when I got back home and found that things continued on just like they did before, I realized I didn’t NEED to be with him in person. As long as he was around and in my life, be it online or in person, that’s all I need. He’s the greatest friend I’ve ever had. He’s opened my eyes, taught me wonderful things and put up with my flaws and problems. Who could ask for a better friend? And that’s really all I need. Maybe not all I want…LOL…but we got a good thing going. Why mess with it?

 

Anyway, It was  a great trip, full of wonderful sights and sounds and people. So much to take in. I’m still reeling from all the things I saw. England was beautiful. So much different from where I live. The  streets, the driving, the houses…all amazing. I can’t wait to go back…and yes, I’m going  back. Next time I’m staying at least a month. I’ll be making my way around town like a pro before you know it.

 

Egypt was a beautiful place too. The cruise down the Nile started and ended in Luxor, an amazing city. So much beauty and opulence…along with poverty and a run-down look. Cars shared the road with donkey carts. People were everywhere walking. Guys in jeans and Tshirts to women wearing burkas with only their eyes shining out. So much to take in. I want to go back. I’ve been invited to go back. I hope I can afford it. Next time the plan is for 2 weeks! A week cruise down the Nile and a week in a nice Hotel, laying by the pool or just wandering the streets. I think I might be tempted to sell a body part to afford that trip…LOL.

 

Well, enough about Egypt, England and Phil for now. But you may have to put up with some more later.

 

Ciao for now

 

 

 

November 10, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | Leave a comment

Dud Date

Well, I had dinner with JH last night. Not really anything like I expected. But then that’s life in a nutshell…right?

 

I’ll start from the beginning.

 

Last week, I went to one of my writing groups meetings. It was great. JH was there too. Hadn’t seen him around in a month or so. He sat next to me. Nothing out of the ordinary in that. Afterwards, we were all leaving and he and I stood outside and talked for a bit. “We should go have dinner sometime” he said. I smiled and said “sure”. We talked some more. Again, he said we should have dinner sometime. Again, I said ok. He asked me when was a good time for me. Then he asked what time. Then he asked where I would like to go.

 

Sounds like a date, right?

 

Well, I was flattered, of course. Gave my ego a real boost. Someone in the “real world” wanted to go out with me, spend time with me. I can’t remember the last time I was asked out. I was looking forward to the event and was curious about what it would be like.

 

I’m curious no more. It was just me and JH sitting across from each other, eating a meal and talking. Pretty normal stuff. Pretty boring stuff. No, JH is not boring, he’s a nice guy and very interesting and articulate. It just wasn’t very exciting. It was definitely not romantic and we each paid our part of the check (I offered, he accepted). I got a hug as we parted to our respective vehicles.

 

Boring, huh?

 

I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong here. I’m sure it was for the best that it didn’t go a romantic route. After all, I’m not really attracted to him. There’s no….spark…connection…whatever. Still, I did wonder if I was going to at least get a kiss out of the deal. Been a long time since I was kissed (ok…since I was kissed good…lol). It was a good experience though. Not one that I think I will repeat, but I did learn something.

 

I’m still too much in love with P to have any interest in anyone else.

 

It’s cool. Being in love with someone you have no hope of being with keeps you out of trouble, right?

 

I need all the help I can get in that area…LOL.

 

Always look on the bright side of life!

 

Ciao for now

July 19, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | Leave a comment

Ain’t that just the way it goes?

Yeah, I’m talking about life. My love life this time. Or what passes for a love life.

 

I actually don’t have a love life. I have a confusing mess.

 

I love someone who isn’t in love with me. Yeah, I know, it’s sucks. That’s life though, right? So, I’ve been really working on that problem and trying to distance my heart…put a callous on it…lock it away…something.

 

I can hear you now….”how’s that going for you?”

 

Quite well, actually…smartass. No, I haven’t been “cured”, but it gets easier. I don’t get to talk to P as often anymore so I’ve started picking back up where I left off when he showed up. I find other things to do…other people to talk to. It’s been good for me. He’s still my friend, and I hope he always will be, but I think I’ll be ok. It’s really taken a toll on my heart though. Pardon me for saying this, but I hope to never go through something like that again.

 

That said, I have another problem. This is the flipside of the last one. Rob. He fancies himself in love with me. No, I don’t love him the same way. I love him as a dear, sweet friend who I’ve had for several years now, but I don’t love him the way he thinks he loves me. I feel bad too. Maybe he really is in love with me. That fact only makes me more sympathetic. No, I haven’t told him I’m  not “in love” with him. I can’t find the courage. I don’t want to hurt him. I guess I really didn’t think he was serious about it until recently. We were talking on the phone. He was talking about Canada, the weather there, and I said something about how I could never live someplace like that. He responded with “Then how are we going to be together?” It caught me off guard. I paused, my brain racing. I finally said, “I don’t know”. That was the best I could come up with…LOL. Subject change.

 

Rob is a sweet guy. He’s a nice looking guy. He thinks I’m the sexiest woman to walk the planet. He thinks I’m smart, sweet, funny. These are all wonderfully flattering things. But I don’t feel wonderful when Rob tells me them. It doesn’t make me feel anywhere near what I feel when P says something as simple as “I missed you”.

 

The heart can’t help where it loves. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. Life isn’t fair.

 

And recently, life has decided to throw something else in the mix. Timothy. He’s been emailing me and texting me lately. That’s all well and good. I like being able to keep friendly relations with ex’s. He told me the other day that he missed OK. He even said he’d like to move back here…even if he had to get his own place.

 

His life must really suck there.

 

I know, I’m being cynical. I can’t help it though. Things that have happened since our breakup have made me wonder about Timothy’s feelings for me throughout our whole relationship. On the whole, I found it to be a very good relationship…only with a couple of insurmountable differences. The sex was sure good. I miss that. Especially since I’m not getting any. But again, when I saw those words, “I’d like to move back to OK, even if I have to get my own place”, I paused. My thoughts raced. I don’t even remember responding to that. I know I just suddenly had a gripping feeling of “I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to get back into that trap”. I felt like that would be the end of me…of my dreams…my plans…my future. Timothy and I don’t share the same ideas about our futures. He lacks my desire for excitement and adventure. I don’t want to be tied down to someone like that.

 

Live and learn. That’s what I’m doing….or trying to do. I’m trying to live …and learn from my mistakes. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want to go “back”. I want to go forward. I have lots of “wants”. P says I have so many there isn’t enough time for them all. I don’t care. I won’t ever get everything I want. I know this. It doesn’t matter. I like having “wants”. It makes me seek them. That’s where life is…in the seeking. I’m sure a lot of the wants I get will turn into things I “don’t want”, but that will just teach me one more thing about me. It’s all good.

 

I just gotta work on learning how to stop wanting something I can never have.

 

I believe I’m making progress. I guess we’ll find out in 4 months. That’s when I go on vacation with P.

 

Wish me luck in hardening my heart.

 

Ciao for now

June 19, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | Leave a comment

I’M GOING TO EGYPT!

Yeah, pretty awesome, huh? You want to know what makes it even better?

I’M GOING WITH PHIL!

That’s right people (assuming anyone is out there), I’m going on a 7 day cruise down the nile, ending up in Luxor, with my best friend, Phil. I’m so excited!

So, anyway, my trip to York is going to be postponed…just a little. It’s next on the list though. And Phil said he would still go with me on that trip. Isn’t he absolutely amazing? I am not exaggerating one bit when I tell you he is the most awesome person I have ever known. I’ve never met anyone like him. Ok, so I haven’t actually “met” him yet…LOL…but it’s been almost a year since we got acquainted online. We’ve talked and talked and even skyped. I know him well enough to know I’ve never met someone like him before.

Maybe the Universe is trying to make up for all the crap I went through when I was younger…LOL. Nah, I’m sure even back then, there were people much worse off than I. Besides, I know life isn’t fair and we all just have to make the best of the hand we’re dealt. I can’t complain. Sometimes, life isn’t fair in “my favor”. And this is one of those times! I’m so happy.

The trip is planned for Oct. 24th. It’s several months away, but time has a way of going by so fast. It will be here before you know it. I’m going to have to get really serious about my diet. It’s not like I haven’t been serious already, as of this morning I’m down 36.5 pounds, but I would really love to lose another 100 before the trip. Not sure if that’s going to be possible, but I’m going to try. What’s going to help with that is a HEALTH/WEIGHT LOSS contest going on at work. I’m joining a group of coworkers for it and there are cash prizes for weight loss. I’m just lucky that I’ve already passed that really difficult “hump” when you first start a diet. It was horrible too. Makes me realize what alcoholics and drug addicts go through when they try and quit…and I’m sure my problems were just a fraction of theirs. It’s easier now though. Not easy….just easier…LOL.

Ok, time to get off my ass and stop dreaming about Egypt. A beautiful spring day awaits and I need to make the most of it.

Ciao for now

April 12, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | , , , , | Leave a comment

Withdrawals

Yeah, this is yet another post about Phil…LOL.

Phil got a job. I knew it would happen sooner or later. He’s working for a company that makes train wheels. Good job. He started Monday. And I miss him!

First, you have to realize, when we got back in touch mid-December, his previous job’s contract had ended and it seemed like every time I got online, he was here. I spent nearly every evening sitting here talking to him, several hours at a time. Once we even chatted for 11 hours! Now nothing. Ok, not actually nothing. I got to chat to him for a little bit Monday evening and I’ve got a couple (short) emails off him. I’m having some trouble getting used to this though.

I sound selfish and greedy, don’t I? It’s ok, you can say it…LOL. I look at the above paragraph and I’m thinking it too. I want to say “Geez, what a whiney, needy, selfish bitch you are. Give the man some space. He’s trying to get some sort of routine going.”

Yesterday I was feeling abandoned. Today is a bit better for me. Today I am off work and I can see lots of possibilities for me without Phil being in here waiting for me. Things I put aside because there wasn’t time to do them and talk to Phil too. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Today I can see how it wasn’t good for me to be so obsessed with Phil. Today I can see how it’s a good thing he’s gone back to work and how it’s freed me to have “my own life” again. Of course, I could see those things before, I just refused to do anything about it…LOL. I told myself  “gotta enjoy every moment with him while I can, because this won’t last forever”. It was true. The moment has passed. I have some awesome memories from it too. And despite what I said about it not being good to be so obsessed, I wouldn’t change a thing. Which begs the question, “Would I do that again, should the same situation arise?”

Probably so.

LOL…I know what you’re thinking. I haven’t learned a thing. Oh contraire, my good friend. I just know myself. I know that if I still find Phil as interesting and captivating as I do now, I won’t be able to help myself. Things change though. Interest waxes and wanes. I’ve had several online friends that have come and gone. A few long term ones remain. None of them compare to Phil though. So I have hopes that he’ll be around a very long time.

I really miss him.

Today is ok though. The pains of withdrawal are tolerable today.

I’ll worry about tomorrow….tomorrow.

Ciao for now

March 24, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | , , | Leave a comment

I like SKYPE

What a wonderful evening last night!

Yeah, you guessed it, it involves Phil…LOL.  Last night, we skyped for a few hours. His friend Mike was over and I got to see both of them drunk…LOL. Mike was absolutely plastered and couldn’t stop talking…saying “fuck” every other word. Cracked me up. He seems like a nice guy…and totally loves Phil. It was great to see such a wonderful friendship in action.

I got to see Phil’s youngest daughter, Emily and her best friend, Chloe. Such cute girls. Wish I could have seen Alice too, but she wasn’t there. Maybe another time.

Life is absolutely amazing some times. A week ago, I was devastated (my own fault) and now I’m happy as a lark. Go figure. Life is full of surprises. Thank goodness.

Ciao for now.

March 13, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | Leave a comment

Rollercoaster

Whew! The last few days have been such an emotional rollercoaster. Luckily, I’ve received some information this evening that has calmed me down a bit.

As you might have guessed, if you’ve read any of my recent posts, it involves Phil. To make a long story short, I was compelled to tell him something I didn’t want to tell him and he didn’t like hearing. Things took a turn for the worse. I thought I was going to lose my best friend. Hurt like hell.

Turns out, I still have my friend. Things will no longer be taking the romantic turn they were, but we’ll still talk. I’m very cool with that. That’s all I ever expected to begin with. I never expected anything more, but it was a nice feeling while it lasted. I don’t need the romance though. I can live without it. But one needs good friends. At least one. And if you can find that one that you can “connect” with, learn from, be inspired by…then you really don’t want to lose that. I know I didn’t.

And now it looks like I won’t have to. I am so thankful. Things might not be like they were before…but who’s to say they won’t be even better without all the romantic/sexual/feeling stuff getting in the way? Might make both of us freer to be our “true” selves, without trying to be on our best behaviour or put on our best face. I’m kind of excited to see what happens.

Sure beats the prospects I was facing earlier.

I’m happy.

Ciao for now.

March 5, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | , | Leave a comment

Best Friend

Isn’t that the nicest thing someone can say to you?

You’re my best friend.

What’s really neat is when someone you consider your best friend says it to you. When you know it’s mutual. I had that experience yesterday. Took me quite by surprise.

Yes, I’m afraid this is another post about Phil. My best friend Phil.

If you’ve seen the earlier posts, you know how crazy I am about him and how wonderful he is. He’s the most amazing man I have ever known. And trust me, I”m not easily impressed. He’s smart, funny and easy to talk to. We have so much in common and yet still so much different that we never run out of things to talk about. The last 2 months have been been totally dominated by him. I can’t get enough. I spend almost every spare moment talking to him and when I’m not talking to him, I’m thinking about him…replaying conversations in my mind…smiling spontaneously.

Yeah, I”m in love.

I know, you’re probably thinking, “How “in love” can you be with someone you’ve never met?” Trust me, you can be. I loved Timothy before I ever met him. And while we are not together anymore, we had a really wonderful relationship for a couple of years. It’s because I knew “who” he was. I know “who” Phil is too. After all the hours I’ve spent talking to him, I feel I know “who he is” pretty well. Good and bad. No, I don’t think he’s perfect. Maybe perfect for me…LOL…but not perfect. He has his faults. Nothing so awful that can’t be dealt with though. We’ve never had an argument….yet. We disagree about things, sure, but we don’t have a problem with the fact that we see some things differently.

I guess one of the biggest differences we have is that I’m a dreamer and he’s Mr. Logic. He says he doesn’t mind that though. Maybe we’ll balance each other out. He can pull me back down to earth when I get to “out there” and I can help him to “feel” more and not get too extreme with his logic. He’s not one for talking about his feelings. I am. I’m always telling him how wonderful he is. We even had an awkward discussion about “love” the other day. Told him I loved him, and he said it back, then said maybe we should say we have “deep feelings” for each other. I said ok.

It really doesn’t matter to me what you want to call it. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if he’d said he loved me or not. I feel what I feel and I’m quite aware that you can’t make someone else feel something they don’t. I know he cares about me. He does so much for me and spends so much time talking to me, how could I think otherwise? It doesn’t need to be defined or quantified. I’m happy. That’s all that matters.

I can understand why Phil is reluctant to get “too serious”. He’s been there done that. His previous girlfriend, Sam, was someone he went that direction with and it didn’t work out. I’m sure he’s afraid of that happening again. The fact that he’s being so cautious is actually kind of flattering. I believe it means that my friendship is very precious to him and he doesn’t want to mess that up. I don’t either. It isn’t often you meet someone you fit with so well. It’s definitely something special.

I do get the occasional comment that rocks my world though. Like last night. “You’re my best friend”. I was overwhelmed. I gushed. I almost cried. I told him so. Told him he was my best friend too.

He changed the subject…LOL.

I laughed and went with it.  That was enough for me. I can live off that one revelation for a long time. He is what he is and I’m learning to understand him better all the time. That’s what love is…me taking the time to understand who he is and accepting the whole package instead of trying to get him to change pieces of himself to accomodate me. I love who he is and he wouldn’t be the same person if that happened.

Yeah, I’m in way over my heart…LOL. I love it. Feels wonderful.

No idea where it will all end. I don’t care. It’s worth the risk.

Ciao for now.

February 23, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | , , | Leave a comment

Phil

This is a post about my pen pal, Phil. Reader Beware! This could get graphic. Even I don’t know where I’m going with this one…LOL.

I think I may have posted something before about getting back in touch with my good friend Phil. The romance with his girlfriend Sam had run it’s course and I got my pen pal back.

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Things are different now…but it’s actually better. Easier. Before, I was crazy about him and worried too much. Yeah, I’m still crazy about him, but I don’t worry so much about it now. I guess when he lost contact before, even though I missed him, I got over it and went on. Maybe that helps me keep a better perspective this time. I know if he runs away again, I’ll miss him and move on.

It’s worth the risk though. Trust me. He’s one of the most amazing men you will ever meet…even though, technically, I’ve never met him…LOL.

Why?

Ok, I’ll tell you about Phil. First, he’s good looking. My opinion. That has nothing to do with how amazing he is though. He’s so smart. He knows more about music than anyone I’ve ever met. And his intelligence doesn’t quit there. He’s interested in all sorts of subjects, science, philosophy, etc, and it’s a pleasure to talk to him about those things. He’s smarter than me. I love it. I don’t meet many people who teach me so much…turn me on to new things…make me look in new directions.

He’s talented too. He plays the guitar, sings, write’s music/poems, does graphic art. I have several CD’s of his own music and they are awesome.

He’s funny too. A wonderful sense of humor. A sarcastic wit and a practical joker. He’s caught me by surprise a few times and cracked me up.

He’s so giving too. And thoughtful. He’s made music CD’s for me…videos…bought me a book. Always something special to the individual person he’s giving to.

Yeah, I sound rather enamoured of him, don’t I? I am. It gets a little difficult to maintain perspective at times too. It would be so easy to let myself go and fall head over heels…but that’s not very realistic is it? I get caught up in the moment sometimes and let my imagination and emotions run away with me. I try not to wonder “what if?” too much. No sense in that. Logic usually prevails…LOL. Although sometimes it takes a while…LOL. I”m glad he puts up with me and my “crush”. I’m glad it doesn’t bother him. I know he doesn’t have any “romantic” feelings for me…although he does like me. I can handle that. He’s such a good friend.

Yeah, I’d love to shag him. You know it. The other night we were chatting and he did a little “cyber sex” thing for me….HOT. I thought I was going to have a heart attack…got me so worked up. I saved it. No, you can’t see it…LOL. Trust me, it was good. The things I would like to do to that man…sigh. A girl can dream, right?

I would love to meet Phil some day. I hope to do that. And no, not just to have sex…LOL. I doubt that would happen anyway. It would be so much fun just to hang out with him…talk to him. I hope to get the chance to do that some day. We shall see. ‘

Ciao for now

January 26, 2011 Posted by | Friends | , | Leave a comment