Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

WORDS (a poem)



Words

 

 

 

The English language has many words. Thousands of them. We have words that we’ve stolen from other languages. Words that we’ve made up as we needed them. Seems like there is a word for everything.

 

Except what I feel.

 

With all the words at my disposal, and the infinite ways to combine them, I have not been able to find the ones that can describe what I feel for HIM.

 

Yes, you could say I love HIM. But “love” is so overused. We use it to describe our feelings for people of course, but then we also use it while talking about music, movies, the weather, food. Seems to describe a great many things. It’s a bit watered down. And what I feel for HIM isn’t like anything I feel for anything else. Or anyone else.

 

Maybe a combination of words then? A phrase or paragraph that when properly put together might convey the right meaning, the proper depth of feeling. Again, it falls short. Trying to emphasize the kind of “love” I feel ends up sounding like a cheesy commercial that uses phrases like “new and improved” or “never before seen”. It merely says it’s different, better, but doesn’t tell how.

 

The best I can do is try to describe the symptoms of my glorious disease. And in even that I am sure to fall short of my goal. The sum of the parts will never equal the infinity of the whole. But try I must, because like a boiling pot, I cannot contain these feelings inside me. I must let them out, like steam, before I burst.

 

And it is like a disease. An infection. Something for which there is no cure. Not that I want to be cured. Emotional highs of intense joy and lows of heart-rending doubts assail me. Like an addict, I crave the highs, caring not that I could fall from them. My heart races at every thought of HIM. And my brain has been overrun by those thoughts, like little viruses invading my neurons. My mind flits back and forth from reality to thought, and I long to give in and leave reality behind, losing myself in thoughts and dreams and fantasies of HIM.

 

I cannot. I must not.

 

To give in to the disease is folly. To be cured, unimaginable pain. I want neither so I must learn to live with this disease, until one or the other overtakes me.

 

I pray that it isn’t the cure.

February 24, 2011 Posted by | Life, Writing | , , | 1 Comment

Pondering

Hmmm…I am quite puzzled by my stats. I signed on to my blog today and checked the stats only to find out that my last post “Phil” had 23 hits! What’s up with that? Not that I’m complaining, just wonder what caused it. I mean…it’s a nice name but why would it cause so much interest? Oh well, another of life’s mysteries. It does feel a little strange knowing that people are reading what I write though. I thought the only one who read this was me…LOL.

Ok, on with the show.

Today was a busy day for me. My Mom has had a stiff neck the last couple of days and she had me take her to Urgent Care today. It was a long day of running around. Yesterday she had me taking her around as well, since she didn’t feel she could drive very well. I hope she doesn’t need to go anywhere tomorrow. I would like a day off for myself. I know, I’m a selfish little bitch…LOL.

::::Writing News::::

I’ve actually been working on my story again. I’ve been doing pretty good on my prologue. I made one…decided I had a better idea….and did an outline for another one. I’ve got about 1000 words of actual writing done for it. I think it’s going to be good. I hope to have it done by the time the next writing meeting rolls around. Just gotta get my ass in gear and do it.

And stop thinking about Phil!

Easier said than done…LOL.

Ciao for now.

January 27, 2011 Posted by | Family, Life, Writing | , , | 2 Comments

Ho Hum

Well, here I sit, at Borders, thinking that the writing group meeting I was going to crash is a bum deal. I’m at the right store…but no writing group people. Oh well. It’s not like it’s a total waste. I’ve been doing some writing on my story and I’ve had a lovely peppermint mocha. So, the night isn’t too bad. It’s not like I was going to do anything around the house…like cleaning…LOL.

I may have to take a look at the bargain rack once more before I leave. I saw several books I would like to have. I can’t afford any of them…I shouldn’t buy any of them, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to resist. I love books! I already have so many that I don’t have space enough for them all, but books are so wonderful. I can’t get enough.

Well, back to my writing. I’ve messed around enough. Back to work.

Ciao for now.

December 28, 2010 Posted by | Life, Writing | , , | Leave a comment

Whassup

Well, I had a pretty good Christmas. The boys were with me on Christmas eve and with their Dad on Christmas day. I had Christmas dinner with my family at my Sister’s. I ate too much, as usual, and got some wonderful gifts…fuzzy socks, candles and a shirt. I’m glad it’s all over now…LOL.

I was supposed to have some company this evening, but unfortunately, New York is snowed in and Steve’s flight was cancelled. Sucks. If it hadn’t been cancelled, I sure wouldn’t be sitting here writing this…LOL. He’s going to try to change it to Tuesday. I’ll have to work Wednesday, but I guess a little visit is better than no visit. We’ll see what the weather allows.

I would like to announce that I have my pen pal, Phil, back. I’m so excited. I missed him. Things didn’t work out with his psycho girlfriend so now he can talk to whoever he wants…LOL. I’m glad we’re talking again. It’s not the same as it was before, but I think that’s probably a good thing. I was a bit “in awe” of him before. He’s so smart and nice and generous. Oh, and cute…can’t forget that. But now I see him as “human”. I feel more comfortable with that. I still think the world of him though. I hope we continue to get closer and remain friends forever…despite whatever psycho girlfriends he gets hooked up with…LOL.

On a personal note, I feel like I’ve been thrown back in the yahtzee cup and shaken around a bit. I’m still waiting to see where I get thrown and how the rest of the dice will fall. I hope that anyone who reads this takes a second or two to think a positive thought for me.

The writing has been going good. Not as well as I had hoped this last month, but still pretty good. I did not get the first draft done, but I don’t think it will be long into the new year before it’s finished. I had a wonderful breakthrough at lunch today. I now know what my prologue is going to be about. I wanted something to shock the reader and let them know just how bad my bad guy is. I think I have a way to do it. I’ve just written down the idea so far. I have to flesh it out a bit and then write it. It’s more than what I had yesterday though…LOL.

Well, I’m beat and I want to finish watching G.I. Joe before heading to bed. Yeah, I’ve seen it before, but I love the special effects. I have another video I could be watching, a little something my friend Rick (from work) made himself. Yeah, you guessed it..homemade porn…LOL. I’ve had the tape for a couple of days now and I still haven’t watched it.  I know…what’s wrong with me? LOL. Too tired, I guess. It’s been a hectic few days. I’m off tomorrow though, so I’m sure I’ll find time for it then. I hope it’s good.

Ciao for now.

December 26, 2010 Posted by | Family, Friends, Life, Writing | , , , | Leave a comment

Writing Exercise

I had an absolutely WONDERFUL time at my last writing group meetup. I just love everyone in the group. They are all so talented and supportive. This is the best group ever.

This meeting was our “writing exercise”. We had a page of “prompts” to choose from and we had to pick one and write about it. I had a hard time choosing one. I finally went with one that was about getting a postcard, one week after the funeral of a close friend, that said “I’m not dead. Meet me tomorrow night at ____. Tell no one.”

We all wrote for about 30 minutes and then read our stories. Here’s mine. (I actually had someone tell me that I should expand it and submit it in the short story competition at the library. I was flattered.)

It had been exactly one week. One week to the day since John’s funeral. That’s when I got the postcard. It had been placed on the porch, in front of the door. It said, “I’m not dead. Meet me tonight at the park. Tell no one.”

I was in shock. John was alive! I wasn’t too hard for me to believe. After all, I hadn’t seen his body. It was supposedly cremated. Obviously, they’d cremated someone else. I couldn’t imagine his wife, Elaine, not being able to tell that it wasn’t him, but I guess the body had been mangled pretty bad.

I was excited, scared, unsure of what to do. Should I go to the park? I had to. John had always been a good friend. If he really was still alive, and in hiding, then he probably needed my help. Maybe there were bad people after him. Maybe he was running from them, in fear for his life.

I had it all figured out by the time I pulled my car into the park, as far away from the lights as possible. I sat there for a while, waiting, looking around. I saw nothing. I was about to give up, thinking it was all a hoax, when there was a tap at the passenger window. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It was John.

I unlocked the door and he got in. “Drive.” he said.

I pulled out of the parking lot and started driving. I headed to the country roads that I was familiar with, less traffic.

“What’s going on?” I asked, “I thought you were dead. Everyone thought you were dead.”

“I’m sorry. It was just a freak accident. I picked up a hitchhiker and right from the start, I noticed he looked a lot like me. It was a little uncanny, let me tell you. Anyway, I realized this was my big chance. So I took it.”

I looked at him strangely, “What are you talking about?”

“I killed him. I got him drunk, drove my truck to the railroad tracks and put him behind the wheel and left him there.”

“Oh my God, John. Why did you do that? Are you running from someone? Is someone out there trying to kille you?”

He looked at me, puzzled. “No. Why would you think that? I did this for you…and me. I love you. I did this so we could run away and be together.”

I stopped the car. “You are insane! I thought you faked your death because you were being hunted by the mob or something. I wouldn’t run off with you. Whatever gave you that idea?”

John looked hurt. “All those looks you gave me…the hugs…..the smiles. I know you felt something.”

“Yeah, I liked you. That’s it. We were friends, John, nothing more. Oh my god, I can’t believe you did this.”

He got really upset, “You’re just a bitch like every other woman I know.”

He reached over and put his hands around my neck. I couldn’t breathe. I tried pushing him off. I reached my leg up and tried kicking him away. I kneed him in the ribs. He cried out and lost his grip for a second. I took a deep breath and reached for the door handle. He grabbed me again. This time he had my arm. I opened the door with my other hand. I tried to get out but he was holding me. I reached over and pushed my thumb into one of his eyes. He screamed and let go of me. I jumped out of the car and into the bright headlights of an oncoming Dump Truck. The truck saw me just in time and swerved….right into my car, crushing it like a tin can.

I guess what goes around comes around.

December 18, 2010 Posted by | Friends, Writing | , , | Leave a comment

Can’t sleep!

This is what I feel like

 

Sore throat. Can’t sleep. Guess I’ll write in my blog.

Hmm…what to write? Well, I guess I could tell you that I’m up to 50,000 words on my book now. That’s going well. I’m finding as I go along, lots of ideas that could make it better. I guess everyone does that though…LOL. I’ve decided that the first part is going to have to undergo some serious restructuring too. And I’m going to add a prologue. It’s going to be something really terrible. Something to introduce the bad guy in a way that will make you wish he were dead. No, I haven’t figured out what it’s going to be yet…LOL. It’ll come to me. It always does in the end.

Christmas is right around the corner. I have no money, as usual…LOL…so I’ve decided to use what I have available to me, a scanner/printer and lots of blank DVD’s. Oh, and  a little help from Smilebox. This year has not been that great financially and all my savings has been whittled away to nothing. Sucks. So, I decided to go through all the old pictures I have of my childhood, scan them into my computer and using Smilebox, make DVD’s for my family. I think they would all like it. Time is running out though. I have yet to scan a single picture.

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with things you need to do that you freeze and can’t get yourself to do anything? That’s me. I hate it. It’s something I have to struggle with all the time, since as a single mother, I seem to always have a million things to do. I shall endeavor to do better. Tomorrow’s another day, right?

And I think it’s time for me to try and go back to sleep. My ibuprofen seems to be kicking in so maybe I get a couple more hours before it’s time to get up again.

Ciao for now.

December 9, 2010 Posted by | Family, Life, Writing | , , , , | Leave a comment

Writing group

Here I am, sitting at the library, with all my writing group friends.

So, what am I doing on the computer, you ask?

I just finished a writing exercise and I’m waiting for the others to get done. What I’ve written isn’t probably all that interesting, but it’s something. I don’t know how good I am with prompts and coming up with ideas on the spot. I guess it’s good practice though. I may have to expound on the topic I wrote about. It was a bit dark. I liked it.

I’m really liking this new writing group. This is only the second meeting, but it’s great to get together with other writers. It’s cool to see what they are doing and talk about what you’re doing and get feedback. It’s definitely something I need.

I look at some of the people in the group and see myself when I first started going to writing groups…first started writing my story. It’s nice to see how far I’ve come. There is still a long way to go though…and a lot to learn. I’ll get there though….it’s an exciting journey. One that I hope never ends.

Time’s up. Back to the group.

Ciao for now.

November 17, 2010 Posted by | book, Friends, Life, Writing | Leave a comment

Pen Pal

Yeah, I got another pen pal. From the U.K. again. I know, I’m such a wannabe. I just find them interesting. I am already familiar with people around here.

His name is Phil. He’s pretty cool too. I like him a lot. He’s smart and funny and generous. He’s already sent me a package of CD’s and DVD’s and has another package ready for me. The CD’s he sent were ones of his own music. They are pretty awesome. I can’t wait to hear more.

I know, I haven’t posted here in a while. I’ve been busy. Ok, I know, it’s a lame excuse. I guess I just haven’t really felt that it was all that necessary to my sanity. I’ve been feeling pretty good.

I joined a new writing group. I absolutely LOVE it. The people there are very nice. I’ve only been twice, but I’m going to keep going. They meet every Monday and that works out perfect for me. I don’t have the kids so I won’t worry about missing time with them. Tonight, I’m going to be submitting my revised first chapter. I’m nervous. On the one hand, I hope I get lots of feedback about what I can do to make my story better. On the other hand, I’m hoping that it’s so good that it doesn’t need any help. Ok, maybe I’m not as sane as I had hoped…LOL.

Something is going on with my car. It’s making a funny (ok, it really isn’t funny) noise. Sometimes it stops…but sometimes it’s really bad, like last night. I don’t know what it is but I think it has something to do with the steering or shocks. I’m taking it to Joe’s to see if he might know what it is. I don’t think he will, but maybe he can talk to James and he’ll know what’s wrong. I hope it’s nothing really bad. I’m poor.

Well, I don’t remember if I posted this yet or not…but I’m done with the complete outline of my story. Well, I say I’m done, but I’ve seen a couple of things that I need to go back and add. I’m still thinking about what it needs though. It won’t stop me from doing some writing though. What I’ve been doing lately is going back and revising some of the stuff I’ve already written. Chapter 1 and 2 were fairly easy. The end of chapter 3 is giving me some trouble though because there is a whole scene that is going to have to come out and be changed. It’s just to weird right now. I need something a little more subtle. I’m working on it.

Well, I guess that’s about all the news for now. Not much change happening around here. No, I haven’t met the man of my dreams or won the lottery…LOL. Trust me, you’ll know when that happens…LOL.

Ok, time to go and do other things. Just had to touch base in here again. I’m surprised by all the activity I’ve had for my blog while I have been ignoring it. I think it gets more hits when I’m not writing in it than when I do…LOL.

Ciao for now!

July 12, 2010 Posted by | Life, Writing | , , , , | Leave a comment

Writing Rant: The Lost Works of…

 

Have you ever lost some of your writing? Something you were working on…in a computer file, a notebook, a scrap of paper…and suddenly it was gone? Forever? If you’ve been writing for while, I’m sure your answer is an aggravated “YES”.

Don’t you just hate that? All that work…gone.

Well, as you might have already guessed, that happened to me a week or so ago. It was a notebook. The notebook I was taking with me to work every day and spending my lunch hour writing in. And let me tell you, things were going good. I was writing some awesome outline, figuring out plot points, character development, working my way to the brilliant ending, when it happened. I lost it. No, I have no idea where I left it. To tell the truth, I guess it could possibly be somewhere here in the house still. I haven’t checked under the bed or couches. It’s not a likely spot though.

Anyway, I was kinda bummed out…for a few minutes. Yep, surprised me too. I thought I would have been much more upset. I’m not though. I just got one of my other notebooks and started over. Oh, it’s not as detailed in places as the first one was, but the general idea is the same. Actually though, some ideas have been altered slightly. I find I like the alterations better than the original. It just helps to validate my belief that everything happens for a reason. Maybe losing that notebook was a good thing…?

So, with the way this has turned out, it makes me wonder…what sort of things might I come up with if I had to write other parts of the outline over? Hmmm. Maybe it’s a good thing to go back and re-write things without looking at your notes. Who knows what your subconcious might come up with at a different time?

I could compare it to hacking a trail through the jungle, looking for a destination. Your path might twist and turn all the way, and while you finally reach your destination, if you travelled that path again, you might find a better way to get there now that you know where you’re going.

Another analogy might be…watching a movie. Some movies, take Sixth Sense for example, are wonderful to watch the first time. But when you see it the second time, or third, you see things you didn’t see the first time. The complexity and meaning grows and astounds you.

I think losing my notebook was a blessing for me. It not only forced to me “try again”, it made me realize that maybe just because I come up with an idea to move my story forward, it doesn’t mean that has to be the way it happens. It’s just the idea that I came up with at that time. Maybe my subconcious will come up with a better idea later. I have to give it the chance though. That’s where going back over old (front of the book) material could benefit the story.

I’m really excited to have discovered this concept. I hope I remember it and put it to good use…without having to lose anything else…LOL.

April 4, 2010 Posted by | Weekly Rant, Writing | , , | Leave a comment

Just another post…or is it?

 

It might be. I have no idea. I didn’t start this post with any sort of topic in mind. I guess I could talk about my day. There’s not much to distinguish it from a thousand other days I’ve had though. It was busy. I had the same routine that I have just about every day I work. There really wasn’t anything to make it stand out, good or bad, as days go.

It was payday, not that that’s anything to get excited about. The house payment pretty much takes care of this one. Hopefully, next payday will provide a little extra so Joseph and I can go see Alice in Wonderland. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

It seems to have got cold again. I’m not very happy with that fact…as I sit here shivering. The hot cup of coffee I’m sipping isn’t doing much to help. I’m sure if I got off my ass and moved around a bit it would help immensely. Unfortunately, my feet and ankles seem to be protesting this evening. I can’t blame them. If I stood on you all day, you’d protest too.

I think I shall endeavor to make some muffins this evening. Chocolate chip muffins. I only have one banana nut muffin left, so I need to make something for breakfast. It’s either chocolate chip or pumpkin muffins. Since Jared will be helping me…it’ll probably be the chocolate chip ones…LOL. That’s ok. I’ll do pumpkin another time. Or maybe lemon. I love lemon. I’ve even thought about doing coconut. If you haven’t yet noticed, I’m really into muffins right now. I’ve been thinking of all sorts of varieties I can make. I love muffins. Untill recently though, the muffins I’ve consumed have mostly been store-bought. Then I made a batch of blueberry muffins from a mix and was surprised at how perfect they turned out. So I started making some from scratch. Perfect again! I’m hooked.

Things are really going smoothly on my writing. I’ve been writing down outline every break I have at work. It’s awesome. I think I’m nearing the end of the complete story…or am I? I may leave a loose end that could lead to another story. Who knows? It’s so exciting to feel like I’m accomplishing something though. I just wish I didn’t have such troubles with my hands. Sometimes it’s hard to write much in my notebook at work because of….well…work. It wreaks havoc on my hands. Typing isn’t so bad, but I like writing down ideas in my notebook. The idea/outlining stage works better for me if I write by hand. Oh well, such is life. Some day it would be nice if I didn’t have to do anything else but write. I have the perfect secluded place, just no peace and quiet…LOL. I have kids.

Kids grow up though, don’t they? Unless their boys (and mine are) then they never grow up. Joseph is (technically) a legal adult though. He’s 18…almost 19. Jared is a bit behind him at 11…almost 12. Their birthdays are a week apart in June. My little June bugs. I know that one of these days they will both be grown and gone with families of their own…but right now it seems like a long way down the road…LOL. Especially when Jared can’t go 5 minutes without coming in here and pestering me.

Well, I guess that’s all for tonight. I guess I was pretty much all over the place here and didn’t really have anything to say. I just felt like talking though. And not to anyone in particular. Just myself. That way I don’t have to worry about anyone else butting in and making me lose my train of thought (like I need another person to cause that…LOL…as you can tell from this post).

Ciao for now!

March 12, 2010 Posted by | Family, Life, Work, Writing | Leave a comment