Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

A Personal Epiphany

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about myself lately. I realize that most people’s first thought is of themselves and they are self-absorbed, but I’ve been trying to figure myself out…pondering on why I am the way I am…why I do what I do.
I am not a religious person, but there is some merit to the words “seek and ye shall find”. It’s generally true that if you go looking for something, good or bad, you’ll find it.
I have issues. We all have them. We’re human. I have one in particular that is quite bothersome. I’m not good at getting close to people. I don’t like this about me. It’s a complicated issue too because I’ve been like this all my life. No, I”m not completely anti-social, I have friends. I get along with people, converse well, enjoy people’s company and like making them laugh. I don’t really go out of my way to be social with people though…strangers…people who I don’t really come in contact with daily…(and though it makes me sound terrible) people who don’t seem to have much about them that would interest me.
Surprisingly, things in my life lately have brought this issue to a head. I feel like the Universe is telling me, “You want to know what the problem is? Here! This is your problem. Take a good long look at it, because if you don’t fix it, the next half of your life is going to be just like the last half.”
To tell you the truth…I think the Universe is downplaying it a little. I have a feeling the next half would just get worse.
As I’ve said, I’ve done a lot of thinking lately. I’ve had a few realizations too.
I feel too much. This was a surprising epiphany for me. I have to say that I was deluding myself by thinking I didn’t care at all about people…by thinking that they really didn’t matter…I didn’t really need anyone. It’s funny that I thought that about myself because I remember not being like that at all as a child. I was a very sensitive child. I got my feelings hurt easily. That’s probably why I was such a shy child. I felt things too strongly and it was overwhelming. From this realization, it’s not hard to see how a person like that would shun the things that were uncomfortable….people. And it’s not hard to go a step further and imagine that person putting up walls to defend against that “pain”….instead of learning how to deal with it. I became an ostrich, hiding my head in the sand.
My marriage only exacerbated the problem. Young, naive and desperately wanting to be loved, I chose the worst possible man for someone like myself, simply because he was the first one to show any serious interest in me. It was a disaster. Angry and loud and miserable, my husband was never my friend. He only found fault with me…so I kept the “real” me hidden. I spent 12 years hiding inside myself. Losing myself. After I finally got my freedom from that hell, my Mother told me on several occasions, “I could see your light getting dimmer and dimmer”.
So, you can see how I’ve conditioned myself over the years to “not” feel. It’s not that I don’t feel…It’s just too hard to deal with those feelings.
Fast forward to the present now. I have a good friend, Tamra. She’s a coworker. For some reason, she’s attached herself to me almost from the very beginning of her being employed where I work. About 6 months. We have developed a good friendship. A close friendship. I’ve opened up to her about things I haven’t told anyone else. Very private and personal things. A week or so ago, there was some turmoil at work. Tamra was very quiet. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but my workplace is known for it’s gossip and lies. I kept to myself and didn’t rock the boat. I wasn’t sure if she was mad at me for something or not. Herein lies the problem. I didn’t go to her and ask “what’s up?”. I kept to myself and avoided her. It was very uncomfortable for me. I’m sorry to say that I’d even had thoughts of “oh well, if she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, that’s fine. Probably for the best anyway.” I was ready to write her off and go back behind my wall again.
Tamra being Tamra, she confronted me about it. She told me that wasn’t right. She told me how she saw me…”you walk around here like you’re in a bubble, like you’re in a world of your own and you don’t need anyone”. She hit the nail on he head. It surprised me how well she “saw” me. It made me think. I’m still thinking.
I don’t really know what to do, but understanding yourself better can only be a good thing. I’m still seeking. I’m still finding.
I still sometimes wish I didn’t feel any emotions at all. But then I’m sure that has a lot to do with being in love with someone who’s not in love with me…LOL. That has a tendency to overwhelm one’s emotions. And not in a good way. I’m dealing with it though. It’s getting better. Life goes on. Differently….but you live and learn. You take the good with the bad. Unfortunately, it leaves a mark…a conditioning…like burning your finger on a candle flame…and it leaves you never wanting to risk doing that…feeling that….again.
Hopefully I won’t feel that way forever. Everyone wants to love…be loved in return…but I can still feel how hot that candle flame is. It still burns. It’s slow to heal. I’m sure I’ll recover. I’ll heal. It doesn’t hurt as bad as it did.
But the memory remains.
Writing this has not been easy, I’ve had tears running down my cheeks a few times, reading the words I’ve written, putting it “out here” instead of keeping it all inside. It’s been good therapy though, the writing and the tears. I needed this. Hopefully, I’ll be able to make some sense of it all some day and build a better me.
Wish me luck. I’ll wish the same thing for you.
Ciao for now

June 27, 2011 - Posted by | Life

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