Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

Laughing at myself

LOL…I am such a dork!

 

I’ve been reading some of my past posts and all I can do is laugh at myself.  Did I have it bad for Phil or what? Geez…funny thing emotions can do to you. Well..can’t really blame it all on emotions. Insecurity played a big part too. After all, I still love P. I just feel more secure with him now. I don’t worry that he’s going to disappear on me anymore. I feel like he’s going to be around for the long haul. Like he’s a “real” friend, not just virtual. Makes me feel more secure.

 

That means a lot. After finding such an amazing, influential person like P, it would be horrible to lose them. I don’t think he realizes exactly how important he is to me. He doesn’t think he’s all that different. Don’t mistake that for being humble though…LOL. He’s quite the opposite. Arrogant and cynical, he thinks he’s smarter/better than most people. In a way, he’s right. He’s brilliant and knows so much it makes my mind reel sometimes. He has an amazing memory. Emotionally though, he’s a bit odd. Sometimes, I wonder if he has them…LOL. Nothing ever seems to really matter to him. It’s all a part of what makes him who/what he is…and I wouldn’t change it…but it does make me feel a bit sad for him. And then again, I’m putting my own perceptions on it. I just know I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who I didn’t feel I mattered to. I guess not every woman is the same. I know lots of women whose husbands don’t seem to matter to them…LOL.

 

But I’m more confident in my friendship with P now. Feels good. It’s really amazing how much things have changed since the trip too. I feel like totally different person. After I got home my mind was whirling with everything I experienced. But I’ve had some time to think and put all the experiences together and add them to “me”. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s made me see things more clearly…what’s important and what’s not.

 

 I’m important. Me.

 

 No, I’m not trying to be conceited, just saying that my life, my thoughts, my opinions…all matter. To thine own self be true. I am who I am and that’s important, special. I don’t need to change for anyone else but myself and I don’t need to apologize for being who I am. I need to grab on to “me” and go with it! Be who and what I want because I’m a pretty amazing person.

 

It feels great to be so free. I can’t even begin to describe it. But for someone who spent her life being terrified of confrontations and couldn’t ever see getting past that, I’ve found myself being a part of them lately…LOL. It hasn’t freaked me out either. I’ve spoke my mind, not backed down, and it felt wonderful! I didn’t feel bad or guilty about it. I didn’t get upset and spend the rest of the day dwelling on it.

 

Who the heck am I? LOL

 

I’m not what I was. And I’m not what I will be. Isn’t it exciting?

 

See what my friendship with Phil has brought about?

 

Now do you see why I love him and hope to keep him as a friend forever?

 

Ciao for now

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November 15, 2011 - Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil

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