Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

Laughing at myself

LOL…I am such a dork!

 

I’ve been reading some of my past posts and all I can do is laugh at myself.  Did I have it bad for Phil or what? Geez…funny thing emotions can do to you. Well..can’t really blame it all on emotions. Insecurity played a big part too. After all, I still love P. I just feel more secure with him now. I don’t worry that he’s going to disappear on me anymore. I feel like he’s going to be around for the long haul. Like he’s a “real” friend, not just virtual. Makes me feel more secure.

 

That means a lot. After finding such an amazing, influential person like P, it would be horrible to lose them. I don’t think he realizes exactly how important he is to me. He doesn’t think he’s all that different. Don’t mistake that for being humble though…LOL. He’s quite the opposite. Arrogant and cynical, he thinks he’s smarter/better than most people. In a way, he’s right. He’s brilliant and knows so much it makes my mind reel sometimes. He has an amazing memory. Emotionally though, he’s a bit odd. Sometimes, I wonder if he has them…LOL. Nothing ever seems to really matter to him. It’s all a part of what makes him who/what he is…and I wouldn’t change it…but it does make me feel a bit sad for him. And then again, I’m putting my own perceptions on it. I just know I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who I didn’t feel I mattered to. I guess not every woman is the same. I know lots of women whose husbands don’t seem to matter to them…LOL.

 

But I’m more confident in my friendship with P now. Feels good. It’s really amazing how much things have changed since the trip too. I feel like totally different person. After I got home my mind was whirling with everything I experienced. But I’ve had some time to think and put all the experiences together and add them to “me”. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s made me see things more clearly…what’s important and what’s not.

 

 I’m important. Me.

 

 No, I’m not trying to be conceited, just saying that my life, my thoughts, my opinions…all matter. To thine own self be true. I am who I am and that’s important, special. I don’t need to change for anyone else but myself and I don’t need to apologize for being who I am. I need to grab on to “me” and go with it! Be who and what I want because I’m a pretty amazing person.

 

It feels great to be so free. I can’t even begin to describe it. But for someone who spent her life being terrified of confrontations and couldn’t ever see getting past that, I’ve found myself being a part of them lately…LOL. It hasn’t freaked me out either. I’ve spoke my mind, not backed down, and it felt wonderful! I didn’t feel bad or guilty about it. I didn’t get upset and spend the rest of the day dwelling on it.

 

Who the heck am I? LOL

 

I’m not what I was. And I’m not what I will be. Isn’t it exciting?

 

See what my friendship with Phil has brought about?

 

Now do you see why I love him and hope to keep him as a friend forever?

 

Ciao for now

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November 15, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | Leave a comment

Egypt was AWESOME!

Hello. Remember me? Yeah I haven’t been around for a while. I’ve been reading over my last postings and it would seem it’s been a couple of months since I’ve been here. Geez…was I messed up or what? LOL.

 

Yeah, I still love Phil…LOL. But it’s tempered now. It’s not that “crazy, I can’t think of anything else, drop everything for him” kind of love anymore. It’s more comfortable…a good friendship kind of thing. Ok, a little more than that…LOL.

 

It’s been a week since I got back home. England was amazing. Egypt was amazing. Meeting Phil in real life was absolutely wonderful! He was exactly like I thought he would be…only a little more reserved. It kinda threw me off at first…I wasn’t sure he liked me. I wondered if he was having second thoughts about inviting me. I didn’t take it personal though. It just seemed to be the way he was. It was cool to get to know him better like that.

 

He wasn’t nearly as reserved in bed…LOL. I know, I really shouldn’t go there, but some of the nicest memories I have are of me being in his arms and him holding me tight and rubbing my skin. It was a great feeling.

 

You’d think I’d really be head over heels for him now, wouldn’t you?

 

Doesn’t seem to have had that effect though. I already thought he was an amazing man…and he still is. I guess I see him more as a real person now though…good points and bad. It’s cool. I loved being with Phil in person, but when I got back home and found that things continued on just like they did before, I realized I didn’t NEED to be with him in person. As long as he was around and in my life, be it online or in person, that’s all I need. He’s the greatest friend I’ve ever had. He’s opened my eyes, taught me wonderful things and put up with my flaws and problems. Who could ask for a better friend? And that’s really all I need. Maybe not all I want…LOL…but we got a good thing going. Why mess with it?

 

Anyway, It was  a great trip, full of wonderful sights and sounds and people. So much to take in. I’m still reeling from all the things I saw. England was beautiful. So much different from where I live. The  streets, the driving, the houses…all amazing. I can’t wait to go back…and yes, I’m going  back. Next time I’m staying at least a month. I’ll be making my way around town like a pro before you know it.

 

Egypt was a beautiful place too. The cruise down the Nile started and ended in Luxor, an amazing city. So much beauty and opulence…along with poverty and a run-down look. Cars shared the road with donkey carts. People were everywhere walking. Guys in jeans and Tshirts to women wearing burkas with only their eyes shining out. So much to take in. I want to go back. I’ve been invited to go back. I hope I can afford it. Next time the plan is for 2 weeks! A week cruise down the Nile and a week in a nice Hotel, laying by the pool or just wandering the streets. I think I might be tempted to sell a body part to afford that trip…LOL.

 

Well, enough about Egypt, England and Phil for now. But you may have to put up with some more later.

 

Ciao for now

 

 

 

November 10, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | Leave a comment