Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

A Personal Epiphany

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about myself lately. I realize that most people’s first thought is of themselves and they are self-absorbed, but I’ve been trying to figure myself out…pondering on why I am the way I am…why I do what I do.
 
I am not a religious person, but there is some merit to the words “seek and ye shall find”. It’s generally true that if you go looking for something, good or bad, you’ll find it.
 
I have issues. We all have them. We’re human. I have one in particular that is quite bothersome. I’m not good at getting close to people. I don’t like this about me. It’s a complicated issue too because I’ve been like this all my life. No, I”m not completely anti-social, I have friends. I get along with people, converse well, enjoy people’s company and like making them laugh. I don’t really go out of my way to be social with people though…strangers…people who I don’t really come in contact with daily…(and though it makes me sound terrible) people who don’t seem to have much about them that would interest me.
 
Surprisingly, things in my life lately have brought this issue to a head. I feel like the Universe is telling me, “You want to know what the problem is? Here! This is your problem. Take a good long look at it, because if you don’t fix it, the next half of your life is going to be just like the last half.”
 
To tell you the truth…I think the Universe is downplaying it a little. I have a feeling the next half would just get worse.
 
As I’ve said, I’ve done a lot of thinking lately. I’ve had a few realizations too.
 
I feel too much. This was a surprising epiphany for me. I have to say that I was deluding myself by thinking I didn’t care at all about people…by thinking that they really didn’t matter…I didn’t really need anyone. It’s funny that I thought that about myself because I remember not being like that at all as a child. I was a very sensitive child. I got my feelings hurt easily. That’s probably why I was such a shy child. I felt things too strongly and it was overwhelming. From this realization, it’s not hard to see how a person like that would shun the things that were uncomfortable….people. And it’s not hard to go a step further and imagine that person putting up walls to defend against that “pain”….instead of learning how to deal with it. I became an ostrich, hiding my head in the sand.
 
My marriage only exacerbated the problem. Young, naive and desperately wanting to be loved, I chose the worst possible man for someone like myself, simply because he was the first one to show any serious interest in me. It was a disaster. Angry and loud and miserable, my husband was never my friend. He only found fault with me…so I kept the “real” me hidden. I spent 12 years hiding inside myself. Losing myself. After I finally got my freedom from that hell, my Mother told me on several occasions, “I could see your light getting dimmer and dimmer”.
 
So, you can see how I’ve conditioned myself over the years to “not” feel. It’s not that I don’t feel…It’s just too hard to deal with those feelings.
 
Fast forward to the present now. I have a good friend, Tamra. She’s a coworker. For some reason, she’s attached herself to me almost from the very beginning of her being employed where I work. About 6 months. We have developed a good friendship. A close friendship. I’ve opened up to her about things I haven’t told anyone else. Very private and personal things. A week or so ago, there was some turmoil at work. Tamra was very quiet. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but my workplace is known for it’s gossip and lies. I kept to myself and didn’t rock the boat. I wasn’t sure if she was mad at me for something or not. Herein lies the problem. I didn’t go to her and ask “what’s up?”. I kept to myself and avoided her. It was very uncomfortable for me. I’m sorry to say that I’d even had thoughts of “oh well, if she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, that’s fine. Probably for the best anyway.” I was ready to write her off and go back behind my wall again.
 
Tamra being Tamra, she confronted me about it. She told me that wasn’t right. She told me how she saw me…”you walk around here like you’re in a bubble, like you’re in a world of your own and you don’t need anyone”. She hit the nail on he head. It surprised me how well she “saw” me. It made me think. I’m still thinking.
 
I don’t really know what to do, but understanding yourself better can only be a good thing. I’m still seeking. I’m still finding.
 
I still sometimes wish I didn’t feel any emotions at all. But then I’m sure that has a lot to do with being in love with someone who’s not in love with me…LOL. That has a tendency to overwhelm one’s emotions. And not in a good way. I’m dealing with it though. It’s getting better. Life goes on. Differently….but you live and learn. You take the good with the bad. Unfortunately, it leaves a mark…a conditioning…like burning your finger on a candle flame…and it leaves you never wanting to risk doing that…feeling that….again.
 
Hopefully I won’t feel that way forever. Everyone wants to love…be loved in return…but I can still feel how hot that candle flame is. It still burns. It’s slow to heal. I’m sure I’ll recover. I’ll heal. It doesn’t hurt as bad as it did.
 
But the memory remains.
 
Writing this has not been easy, I’ve had tears running down my cheeks a few times, reading the words I’ve written, putting it “out here” instead of keeping it all inside. It’s been good therapy though, the writing and the tears. I needed this. Hopefully, I’ll be able to make some sense of it all some day and build a better me.
 
Wish me luck. I’ll wish the same thing for you.
 
Ciao for now

June 27, 2011 Posted by | Life | Leave a comment

Ain’t that just the way it goes?

Yeah, I’m talking about life. My love life this time. Or what passes for a love life.

 

I actually don’t have a love life. I have a confusing mess.

 

I love someone who isn’t in love with me. Yeah, I know, it’s sucks. That’s life though, right? So, I’ve been really working on that problem and trying to distance my heart…put a callous on it…lock it away…something.

 

I can hear you now….”how’s that going for you?”

 

Quite well, actually…smartass. No, I haven’t been “cured”, but it gets easier. I don’t get to talk to P as often anymore so I’ve started picking back up where I left off when he showed up. I find other things to do…other people to talk to. It’s been good for me. He’s still my friend, and I hope he always will be, but I think I’ll be ok. It’s really taken a toll on my heart though. Pardon me for saying this, but I hope to never go through something like that again.

 

That said, I have another problem. This is the flipside of the last one. Rob. He fancies himself in love with me. No, I don’t love him the same way. I love him as a dear, sweet friend who I’ve had for several years now, but I don’t love him the way he thinks he loves me. I feel bad too. Maybe he really is in love with me. That fact only makes me more sympathetic. No, I haven’t told him I’m  not “in love” with him. I can’t find the courage. I don’t want to hurt him. I guess I really didn’t think he was serious about it until recently. We were talking on the phone. He was talking about Canada, the weather there, and I said something about how I could never live someplace like that. He responded with “Then how are we going to be together?” It caught me off guard. I paused, my brain racing. I finally said, “I don’t know”. That was the best I could come up with…LOL. Subject change.

 

Rob is a sweet guy. He’s a nice looking guy. He thinks I’m the sexiest woman to walk the planet. He thinks I’m smart, sweet, funny. These are all wonderfully flattering things. But I don’t feel wonderful when Rob tells me them. It doesn’t make me feel anywhere near what I feel when P says something as simple as “I missed you”.

 

The heart can’t help where it loves. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. Life isn’t fair.

 

And recently, life has decided to throw something else in the mix. Timothy. He’s been emailing me and texting me lately. That’s all well and good. I like being able to keep friendly relations with ex’s. He told me the other day that he missed OK. He even said he’d like to move back here…even if he had to get his own place.

 

His life must really suck there.

 

I know, I’m being cynical. I can’t help it though. Things that have happened since our breakup have made me wonder about Timothy’s feelings for me throughout our whole relationship. On the whole, I found it to be a very good relationship…only with a couple of insurmountable differences. The sex was sure good. I miss that. Especially since I’m not getting any. But again, when I saw those words, “I’d like to move back to OK, even if I have to get my own place”, I paused. My thoughts raced. I don’t even remember responding to that. I know I just suddenly had a gripping feeling of “I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to get back into that trap”. I felt like that would be the end of me…of my dreams…my plans…my future. Timothy and I don’t share the same ideas about our futures. He lacks my desire for excitement and adventure. I don’t want to be tied down to someone like that.

 

Live and learn. That’s what I’m doing….or trying to do. I’m trying to live …and learn from my mistakes. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want to go “back”. I want to go forward. I have lots of “wants”. P says I have so many there isn’t enough time for them all. I don’t care. I won’t ever get everything I want. I know this. It doesn’t matter. I like having “wants”. It makes me seek them. That’s where life is…in the seeking. I’m sure a lot of the wants I get will turn into things I “don’t want”, but that will just teach me one more thing about me. It’s all good.

 

I just gotta work on learning how to stop wanting something I can never have.

 

I believe I’m making progress. I guess we’ll find out in 4 months. That’s when I go on vacation with P.

 

Wish me luck in hardening my heart.

 

Ciao for now

June 19, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | Leave a comment

Insane in the brain

I’m having one of those moments. Ok, it’s been longer than a moment. Actually, it feels like it’s been months…or even years.

 

I don’t think I could do a good job of explaining what I”m talking about either…but I’ll try. I have to let it out. Maybe if I spew it forth in a jumble of words I can somehow make sense of it. I have to warn you though, it’s that time of the month, and I find as I get nearer to the dreaded “menopause”, I becoming increasingly more crazy and unstable. Knowing that I’m like that, and the reason behind it, doesn’t seem to help me deal with it though.

 

Anyway….

 

Nothing feels right. I think that’s as close to a description to how I’m feeling as I can find. Nothing feels “right”. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s “me” that doesn’t feel right. The more I think about it, the more likely that seems.

 

Yeah, I have a lot of problems going on in my life right now. So much so that I feel like I’m sinking and there’s nothing to grab on to. But I know there are people who are going through much worse things than I am right now. I’m sure there are people who would trade situations with me in a heartbeat. That only makes me feel worse for being so melancholy.

 

And to make things even worse, this is the only place I can truly pour my heart out. How sad is that?

 

Ok, enough of this shit.

June 12, 2011 Posted by | Life | Leave a comment