Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

Ain’t that just the way it goes?

Yeah, I’m talking about life. My love life this time. Or what passes for a love life.

 

I actually don’t have a love life. I have a confusing mess.

 

I love someone who isn’t in love with me. Yeah, I know, it’s sucks. That’s life though, right? So, I’ve been really working on that problem and trying to distance my heart…put a callous on it…lock it away…something.

 

I can hear you now….”how’s that going for you?”

 

Quite well, actually…smartass. No, I haven’t been “cured”, but it gets easier. I don’t get to talk to P as often anymore so I’ve started picking back up where I left off when he showed up. I find other things to do…other people to talk to. It’s been good for me. He’s still my friend, and I hope he always will be, but I think I’ll be ok. It’s really taken a toll on my heart though. Pardon me for saying this, but I hope to never go through something like that again.

 

That said, I have another problem. This is the flipside of the last one. Rob. He fancies himself in love with me. No, I don’t love him the same way. I love him as a dear, sweet friend who I’ve had for several years now, but I don’t love him the way he thinks he loves me. I feel bad too. Maybe he really is in love with me. That fact only makes me more sympathetic. No, I haven’t told him I’m  not “in love” with him. I can’t find the courage. I don’t want to hurt him. I guess I really didn’t think he was serious about it until recently. We were talking on the phone. He was talking about Canada, the weather there, and I said something about how I could never live someplace like that. He responded with “Then how are we going to be together?” It caught me off guard. I paused, my brain racing. I finally said, “I don’t know”. That was the best I could come up with…LOL. Subject change.

 

Rob is a sweet guy. He’s a nice looking guy. He thinks I’m the sexiest woman to walk the planet. He thinks I’m smart, sweet, funny. These are all wonderfully flattering things. But I don’t feel wonderful when Rob tells me them. It doesn’t make me feel anywhere near what I feel when P says something as simple as “I missed you”.

 

The heart can’t help where it loves. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. Life isn’t fair.

 

And recently, life has decided to throw something else in the mix. Timothy. He’s been emailing me and texting me lately. That’s all well and good. I like being able to keep friendly relations with ex’s. He told me the other day that he missed OK. He even said he’d like to move back here…even if he had to get his own place.

 

His life must really suck there.

 

I know, I’m being cynical. I can’t help it though. Things that have happened since our breakup have made me wonder about Timothy’s feelings for me throughout our whole relationship. On the whole, I found it to be a very good relationship…only with a couple of insurmountable differences. The sex was sure good. I miss that. Especially since I’m not getting any. But again, when I saw those words, “I’d like to move back to OK, even if I have to get my own place”, I paused. My thoughts raced. I don’t even remember responding to that. I know I just suddenly had a gripping feeling of “I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to get back into that trap”. I felt like that would be the end of me…of my dreams…my plans…my future. Timothy and I don’t share the same ideas about our futures. He lacks my desire for excitement and adventure. I don’t want to be tied down to someone like that.

 

Live and learn. That’s what I’m doing….or trying to do. I’m trying to live …and learn from my mistakes. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want to go “back”. I want to go forward. I have lots of “wants”. P says I have so many there isn’t enough time for them all. I don’t care. I won’t ever get everything I want. I know this. It doesn’t matter. I like having “wants”. It makes me seek them. That’s where life is…in the seeking. I’m sure a lot of the wants I get will turn into things I “don’t want”, but that will just teach me one more thing about me. It’s all good.

 

I just gotta work on learning how to stop wanting something I can never have.

 

I believe I’m making progress. I guess we’ll find out in 4 months. That’s when I go on vacation with P.

 

Wish me luck in hardening my heart.

 

Ciao for now

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June 19, 2011 - Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil

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