Loisanne's Blog

The meandering path of my life

I’M GOING TO EGYPT!

Yeah, pretty awesome, huh? You want to know what makes it even better?

I’M GOING WITH PHIL!

That’s right people (assuming anyone is out there), I’m going on a 7 day cruise down the nile, ending up in Luxor, with my best friend, Phil. I’m so excited!

So, anyway, my trip to York is going to be postponed…just a little. It’s next on the list though. And Phil said he would still go with me on that trip. Isn’t he absolutely amazing? I am not exaggerating one bit when I tell you he is the most awesome person I have ever known. I’ve never met anyone like him. Ok, so I haven’t actually “met” him yet…LOL…but it’s been almost a year since we got acquainted online. We’ve talked and talked and even skyped. I know him well enough to know I’ve never met someone like him before.

Maybe the Universe is trying to make up for all the crap I went through when I was younger…LOL. Nah, I’m sure even back then, there were people much worse off than I. Besides, I know life isn’t fair and we all just have to make the best of the hand we’re dealt. I can’t complain. Sometimes, life isn’t fair in “my favor”. And this is one of those times! I’m so happy.

The trip is planned for Oct. 24th. It’s several months away, but time has a way of going by so fast. It will be here before you know it. I’m going to have to get really serious about my diet. It’s not like I haven’t been serious already, as of this morning I’m down 36.5 pounds, but I would really love to lose another 100 before the trip. Not sure if that’s going to be possible, but I’m going to try. What’s going to help with that is a HEALTH/WEIGHT LOSS contest going on at work. I’m joining a group of coworkers for it and there are cash prizes for weight loss. I’m just lucky that I’ve already passed that really difficult “hump” when you first start a diet. It was horrible too. Makes me realize what alcoholics and drug addicts go through when they try and quit…and I’m sure my problems were just a fraction of theirs. It’s easier now though. Not easy….just easier…LOL.

Ok, time to get off my ass and stop dreaming about Egypt. A beautiful spring day awaits and I need to make the most of it.

Ciao for now

April 12, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | , , , , | Leave a comment

Withdrawals

Yeah, this is yet another post about Phil…LOL.

Phil got a job. I knew it would happen sooner or later. He’s working for a company that makes train wheels. Good job. He started Monday. And I miss him!

First, you have to realize, when we got back in touch mid-December, his previous job’s contract had ended and it seemed like every time I got online, he was here. I spent nearly every evening sitting here talking to him, several hours at a time. Once we even chatted for 11 hours! Now nothing. Ok, not actually nothing. I got to chat to him for a little bit Monday evening and I’ve got a couple (short) emails off him. I’m having some trouble getting used to this though.

I sound selfish and greedy, don’t I? It’s ok, you can say it…LOL. I look at the above paragraph and I’m thinking it too. I want to say “Geez, what a whiney, needy, selfish bitch you are. Give the man some space. He’s trying to get some sort of routine going.”

Yesterday I was feeling abandoned. Today is a bit better for me. Today I am off work and I can see lots of possibilities for me without Phil being in here waiting for me. Things I put aside because there wasn’t time to do them and talk to Phil too. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Today I can see how it wasn’t good for me to be so obsessed with Phil. Today I can see how it’s a good thing he’s gone back to work and how it’s freed me to have “my own life” again. Of course, I could see those things before, I just refused to do anything about it…LOL. I told myself  “gotta enjoy every moment with him while I can, because this won’t last forever”. It was true. The moment has passed. I have some awesome memories from it too. And despite what I said about it not being good to be so obsessed, I wouldn’t change a thing. Which begs the question, “Would I do that again, should the same situation arise?”

Probably so.

LOL…I know what you’re thinking. I haven’t learned a thing. Oh contraire, my good friend. I just know myself. I know that if I still find Phil as interesting and captivating as I do now, I won’t be able to help myself. Things change though. Interest waxes and wanes. I’ve had several online friends that have come and gone. A few long term ones remain. None of them compare to Phil though. So I have hopes that he’ll be around a very long time.

I really miss him.

Today is ok though. The pains of withdrawal are tolerable today.

I’ll worry about tomorrow….tomorrow.

Ciao for now

March 24, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life, Phil | , , | Leave a comment

*&$^#)%&!

That’s because I  couldn’t find an appropriate word for the title of this post.

As you may have guessed, this probably isn’t going to be a “nice” post. Sorry people, even an optimist like me goes on a rampage once in a while.

What is amiss, you ask?

Well, things aren’t exactly going my way at the moment. Plus, I may be having some hormonal imbalance thing going on. Not good. Normally, my scales of  “happy” and “bitchy” have a lot of slack in them…meaning, it takes a lot of crap heaped up on the “bitchy” side to tip it past the point of no return. My hormones  seem to change the specs on my scales though and there’s not much tolerance for crap before I go off the deep end.

No, I don’t scream and yell and throw a fit, but the rage inside me is rather frightening. It passes, I know it will. I tell myself it will. I just have to think of something else and get through the “moment”. Not an easy thing to do sometimes though. Especially at work.

I know everyone thinks they are a good worker and that they do more than their fair share and that they are taken advantage of, so I guess in that respect, I’m no different than anyone else. The difference is…I’m being truthful…LOL. No, I’m not the best cake decorator in the world. No, I”m sure I’m not the fastest. But I’m better and faster than the other decorators I work with, than probably most of the decorators employed by the company I work for. I’m not bragging, I’m just confident. The ladies I work with will tell you the same thing.

My problem is this: my boss takes advantage of me and takes me for granted. I know, that’s a boss for you. Pisses me off though. Especially lately. Point in case: I was off  Wednesday and Thursday. There was a wedding cake order to be done on Thursday. Tamra can’t do wedding cakes. Christina can (although she will make you wonder if she’s going to have a nervous breakdown in the process) but she was working at another store. I said I would come in(an 18 mile trip, one way) and do the cake. I did. Took me less than two hours from start to finish.  Overtime. Or so I thought. Donna came to me a couple of days ago and asked me to try and take off the time. I said “Really? You’re gonna make me take that off?” She backed down and said, “No, since you made the trip in, you can keep it.” The next day, Dale (store manager) came and told Donna that I was going to have overtime and Donna promptly called over to me “Lois, you’ve got overtime to take off”. WHAT THE FUCK? What happened to “Since you made the trip in, you can keep it”? I would have thought she would have at least told Dale the situation and had my back, even if Dale wouldn’t have ok’d it.

Am I wrong for being pissed? I think not. Needless to say, I won’t be helping them out again. They can go fuck themselves for all I care.

So, that’s all it took for my thoughts to start spiralling downward and every memory of every bad situation I’ve ever had at work came flooding back…the days I requested and didn’t get….the year I’ve worked without a sunday off…all the times I’ve got blamed for shit going wrong that someone else did…all the responsibilities that keep getting shifted onto my shoulders and then the griping when my other duties don’t get done….etc….etc.

It was NOT good. It doesn’t help that I’m having issues at home as well…wages garnished, possible forclosure on my house, the threat of having to move in with my Mom looming in my future. Not that those would be totally terrible things. Ok, living with my Mom would be…LOL…but I’d survive.

The point is, it probably wouldn’t take too much for me to give my notice at work and say “fuck it”. Throw in the towel. I’m already prepared to lose my home. Not the worst thing that could happen. Plenty of other people have had it happen and lived through it. I would like to be able to sell it…but if it gets taken, it won’t be the end of the world. To tell the truth, I have a feeling that it will be like a weight lifted off me. I’ll be free of it. Free of the responsibility of it all. And while I may have to live with my Mom for a while, I’ll eventually get my own apartment and things will be back to normal.

There’s really only one thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel. Phil. I have a trip to England planned in November, and if I were to quit and start a new job, they might not let me have the time off. And I NEED that time off. Come hell or high water, I’m taking my trip. If I have to sell my soul (not that it would be worth much…LOL) I’d do it. I’ve wanted to see England most of my life and now that I have the chance to do it…and with a wonderful sweet man as my guide…nothing is going to stop that. Not even me…LOL.

So, I guess I’ll bite my tongue and keep my temper under control and try to think pleasant thoughts. At least until November.

Wish me luck.

Ciao for now

March 23, 2011 Posted by | Life, Work | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rollercoaster

Whew! The last few days have been such an emotional rollercoaster. Luckily, I’ve received some information this evening that has calmed me down a bit.

As you might have guessed, if you’ve read any of my recent posts, it involves Phil. To make a long story short, I was compelled to tell him something I didn’t want to tell him and he didn’t like hearing. Things took a turn for the worse. I thought I was going to lose my best friend. Hurt like hell.

Turns out, I still have my friend. Things will no longer be taking the romantic turn they were, but we’ll still talk. I’m very cool with that. That’s all I ever expected to begin with. I never expected anything more, but it was a nice feeling while it lasted. I don’t need the romance though. I can live without it. But one needs good friends. At least one. And if you can find that one that you can “connect” with, learn from, be inspired by…then you really don’t want to lose that. I know I didn’t.

And now it looks like I won’t have to. I am so thankful. Things might not be like they were before…but who’s to say they won’t be even better without all the romantic/sexual/feeling stuff getting in the way? Might make both of us freer to be our “true” selves, without trying to be on our best behaviour or put on our best face. I’m kind of excited to see what happens.

Sure beats the prospects I was facing earlier.

I’m happy.

Ciao for now.

March 5, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | , | Leave a comment

WORDS (a poem)



Words

 

 

 

The English language has many words. Thousands of them. We have words that we’ve stolen from other languages. Words that we’ve made up as we needed them. Seems like there is a word for everything.

 

Except what I feel.

 

With all the words at my disposal, and the infinite ways to combine them, I have not been able to find the ones that can describe what I feel for HIM.

 

Yes, you could say I love HIM. But “love” is so overused. We use it to describe our feelings for people of course, but then we also use it while talking about music, movies, the weather, food. Seems to describe a great many things. It’s a bit watered down. And what I feel for HIM isn’t like anything I feel for anything else. Or anyone else.

 

Maybe a combination of words then? A phrase or paragraph that when properly put together might convey the right meaning, the proper depth of feeling. Again, it falls short. Trying to emphasize the kind of “love” I feel ends up sounding like a cheesy commercial that uses phrases like “new and improved” or “never before seen”. It merely says it’s different, better, but doesn’t tell how.

 

The best I can do is try to describe the symptoms of my glorious disease. And in even that I am sure to fall short of my goal. The sum of the parts will never equal the infinity of the whole. But try I must, because like a boiling pot, I cannot contain these feelings inside me. I must let them out, like steam, before I burst.

 

And it is like a disease. An infection. Something for which there is no cure. Not that I want to be cured. Emotional highs of intense joy and lows of heart-rending doubts assail me. Like an addict, I crave the highs, caring not that I could fall from them. My heart races at every thought of HIM. And my brain has been overrun by those thoughts, like little viruses invading my neurons. My mind flits back and forth from reality to thought, and I long to give in and leave reality behind, losing myself in thoughts and dreams and fantasies of HIM.

 

I cannot. I must not.

 

To give in to the disease is folly. To be cured, unimaginable pain. I want neither so I must learn to live with this disease, until one or the other overtakes me.

 

I pray that it isn’t the cure.

February 24, 2011 Posted by | Life, Writing | , , | 1 Comment

Best Friend

Isn’t that the nicest thing someone can say to you?

You’re my best friend.

What’s really neat is when someone you consider your best friend says it to you. When you know it’s mutual. I had that experience yesterday. Took me quite by surprise.

Yes, I’m afraid this is another post about Phil. My best friend Phil.

If you’ve seen the earlier posts, you know how crazy I am about him and how wonderful he is. He’s the most amazing man I have ever known. And trust me, I”m not easily impressed. He’s smart, funny and easy to talk to. We have so much in common and yet still so much different that we never run out of things to talk about. The last 2 months have been been totally dominated by him. I can’t get enough. I spend almost every spare moment talking to him and when I’m not talking to him, I’m thinking about him…replaying conversations in my mind…smiling spontaneously.

Yeah, I”m in love.

I know, you’re probably thinking, “How “in love” can you be with someone you’ve never met?” Trust me, you can be. I loved Timothy before I ever met him. And while we are not together anymore, we had a really wonderful relationship for a couple of years. It’s because I knew “who” he was. I know “who” Phil is too. After all the hours I’ve spent talking to him, I feel I know “who he is” pretty well. Good and bad. No, I don’t think he’s perfect. Maybe perfect for me…LOL…but not perfect. He has his faults. Nothing so awful that can’t be dealt with though. We’ve never had an argument….yet. We disagree about things, sure, but we don’t have a problem with the fact that we see some things differently.

I guess one of the biggest differences we have is that I’m a dreamer and he’s Mr. Logic. He says he doesn’t mind that though. Maybe we’ll balance each other out. He can pull me back down to earth when I get to “out there” and I can help him to “feel” more and not get too extreme with his logic. He’s not one for talking about his feelings. I am. I’m always telling him how wonderful he is. We even had an awkward discussion about “love” the other day. Told him I loved him, and he said it back, then said maybe we should say we have “deep feelings” for each other. I said ok.

It really doesn’t matter to me what you want to call it. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if he’d said he loved me or not. I feel what I feel and I’m quite aware that you can’t make someone else feel something they don’t. I know he cares about me. He does so much for me and spends so much time talking to me, how could I think otherwise? It doesn’t need to be defined or quantified. I’m happy. That’s all that matters.

I can understand why Phil is reluctant to get “too serious”. He’s been there done that. His previous girlfriend, Sam, was someone he went that direction with and it didn’t work out. I’m sure he’s afraid of that happening again. The fact that he’s being so cautious is actually kind of flattering. I believe it means that my friendship is very precious to him and he doesn’t want to mess that up. I don’t either. It isn’t often you meet someone you fit with so well. It’s definitely something special.

I do get the occasional comment that rocks my world though. Like last night. “You’re my best friend”. I was overwhelmed. I gushed. I almost cried. I told him so. Told him he was my best friend too.

He changed the subject…LOL.

I laughed and went with it.  That was enough for me. I can live off that one revelation for a long time. He is what he is and I’m learning to understand him better all the time. That’s what love is…me taking the time to understand who he is and accepting the whole package instead of trying to get him to change pieces of himself to accomodate me. I love who he is and he wouldn’t be the same person if that happened.

Yeah, I’m in way over my heart…LOL. I love it. Feels wonderful.

No idea where it will all end. I don’t care. It’s worth the risk.

Ciao for now.

February 23, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Life | , , | Leave a comment

It’s a wonderful life!

Yeah, I know, it’s the wrong time of year for that reference. It’s so true though. Life is freaking awesome.

I’m saying this because I have the most wonderful pen pal/friend in the world. No, that’s not the only reason…LOL…but it’s the one I feel compelled to talk about this evening.

Phil.

If you haven’t read the earlier post of the same name, then I shall tell you that Phil is amazing. Brilliant. Sweet. Funny. I could go on…and on.

Instead, I shall tell you a little bit about the gift I received from him yesterday. Small, inexpensive, home-made. And so sweet and special and thoughtful it brought tears to my eyes. He made a little fold-up card of sorts that had another little band of paper that slid over it to keep it closed. It’s gorgeous. Says…For Lois. You take the band off and open the card up and inside are beautiful butterflies on the paper. And in the middle, a little card attached by ribbon, with a lock of hair on it. The other side of the card has a beautiufl poem about his gift:

A little gift I hope will please

A lock of hair from overseas

It isn’t dyed, it’ isn’t grey

I hope it brightens up your day

Isn’t that beautiful? Such a special gift. He knows me pretty well…how sentimental I am. Just thinking about it has choked me up and brought tears to my eyes several times.

I took my gift to work today and showed it to my coworkers. They all thought it was awesome too. They asked me how I was going to top that. I have no idea….LOL. 

I have to admit to being a little confused as to the meaning of such a gift. We’re friends. Good friends. But does a gift like that mean more? I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure it out. Trying not to project my own wishes and desires in the process. I still don’t know though.

Do I want to know?

I’ve asked myself that question too. Not knowing is kind of exciting. The feeling of anticipation is exhilirating. It’s a roller-coaster ride.  If I knew the answer, it would be one or the other. No possibilities. No “what if’s?”. I might get an answer I don’t like too….LOL. So, I’ve decided, not knowing isn’t such a bad thing. I don’t need to know right now anyway. I’m sure I’ll know, one way or another, somewhere down the line. It’s inevitable. But for right now, I’m enjoying every minute.

That’s what life is all about isn’t it? Sucking every bit of joy and happiness and wonder from every experience we have. And this experience is one of the best of my life. I don’t want it to end. So for now, I’ll just enjoy and leave well enough alone.

Ciao for now

January 30, 2011 Posted by | Life | , , , | 1 Comment

Phil

This is a post about my pen pal, Phil. Reader Beware! This could get graphic. Even I don’t know where I’m going with this one…LOL.

I think I may have posted something before about getting back in touch with my good friend Phil. The romance with his girlfriend Sam had run it’s course and I got my pen pal back.

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Things are different now…but it’s actually better. Easier. Before, I was crazy about him and worried too much. Yeah, I’m still crazy about him, but I don’t worry so much about it now. I guess when he lost contact before, even though I missed him, I got over it and went on. Maybe that helps me keep a better perspective this time. I know if he runs away again, I’ll miss him and move on.

It’s worth the risk though. Trust me. He’s one of the most amazing men you will ever meet…even though, technically, I’ve never met him…LOL.

Why?

Ok, I’ll tell you about Phil. First, he’s good looking. My opinion. That has nothing to do with how amazing he is though. He’s so smart. He knows more about music than anyone I’ve ever met. And his intelligence doesn’t quit there. He’s interested in all sorts of subjects, science, philosophy, etc, and it’s a pleasure to talk to him about those things. He’s smarter than me. I love it. I don’t meet many people who teach me so much…turn me on to new things…make me look in new directions.

He’s talented too. He plays the guitar, sings, write’s music/poems, does graphic art. I have several CD’s of his own music and they are awesome.

He’s funny too. A wonderful sense of humor. A sarcastic wit and a practical joker. He’s caught me by surprise a few times and cracked me up.

He’s so giving too. And thoughtful. He’s made music CD’s for me…videos…bought me a book. Always something special to the individual person he’s giving to.

Yeah, I sound rather enamoured of him, don’t I? I am. It gets a little difficult to maintain perspective at times too. It would be so easy to let myself go and fall head over heels…but that’s not very realistic is it? I get caught up in the moment sometimes and let my imagination and emotions run away with me. I try not to wonder “what if?” too much. No sense in that. Logic usually prevails…LOL. Although sometimes it takes a while…LOL. I”m glad he puts up with me and my “crush”. I’m glad it doesn’t bother him. I know he doesn’t have any “romantic” feelings for me…although he does like me. I can handle that. He’s such a good friend.

Yeah, I’d love to shag him. You know it. The other night we were chatting and he did a little “cyber sex” thing for me….HOT. I thought I was going to have a heart attack…got me so worked up. I saved it. No, you can’t see it…LOL. Trust me, it was good. The things I would like to do to that man…sigh. A girl can dream, right?

I would love to meet Phil some day. I hope to do that. And no, not just to have sex…LOL. I doubt that would happen anyway. It would be so much fun just to hang out with him…talk to him. I hope to get the chance to do that some day. We shall see. ‘

Ciao for now

January 26, 2011 Posted by | Friends | , | Leave a comment